Mourning Someone Who Isn't "Yours" Anymore

 

How do you mourn the loss of someone who isn’t really in your life anymore, but made an impact for nearly 20 years?  I don’t really know.

This weekend, my former sister-in-law passed away. She was 58.  Her name is Tina and she was a bright, colorful flower.

I mourn for her mama, because at any age, the thought of burying your child is one no one should have to entertain. Her first born, her grown up little girl is gone and I cannot fathom the enormous hole in her heart.

I mourn for her daddy.  I think it always hits the dad so much more than people realize and being who men are so often raised to be, hold it inside to be the strong one.

I mourn for my ex-husband because he lost his big sissy. He lost the leader of the play pack from when they were little, the one who assistant “mommed” him as a kid.  I know his heart is broken.

I mourn for his brothers and sisters who lost the leader of their pack, their extra mom, their Tina.

I mourn for the wives, husbands, boyfriends, cousins, nieces, nephews, and grandkids who won’t have that firecracker of energy in their lives any longer. 

I mourn for my son, who lost his Aunt.

She was a firecracker.  You knew when this woman walked into a building, even if you were rooms away. 

I know mourning for her myself isn’t kosher.  The rule with exes and their family is that you’re supposed to dislike them, cut them out of your life forever.  But I call BS on that. There may be some that this fits, but it is not the rule.  It ought not be.  These people, this family was MY family for nearly 20 years.  She was my sister-in-law for nearly 15. The expectation that I cease from loving these people is ridiculous.  The expectation that what hurts them doesn’t hurt me any longer is just laughable.  Our lives were intertwined for nearly two decades.  To toss that time aside suggests that those years were worthless and nothing of value came from them.  We all know that is folly.

If you’ve been married to someone that you spent a large portion of your adult life with, built a life, experienced death and live, had a child, you are going to be impacted by what happens to that additional family you had. 

SO BS on the hurtful expectation that because you are divorced from someone means you automatically don’t care about them.  BS on the notion that what hurts them doesn’t hurt you because you were intertwined in their lives and regardless of what is said now, at one point, that person was your whole life. It is applicable more so if you have children.  I don’t understand how people can look at their child and still hate the person who that child is half of.  It makes no logical sense to me. For me, I will always care for my son’s father because without him, I would not be mama to the most amazing kid in the world- no bias.  I will always have concern for his health and well-being.  I will always want him to be happy because he deserves it. Just because a marriage fails, doesn’t mean we have to want the other to fail.

So in the face of the expectation that people just disappear from your life- BS - I am sad because this world will not know Tina anymore. There will be no more people for her to meet and explode love and kindness on.  I am sad because while she doesn’t explode love and kindness on me anymore, she did for so long.

Tina, I know I’m not your sister-in-law anymore, but thank you for exploding love, kindness, acceptance of this wild southern girl into your family so long ago. Thank you for the laughter, the silliness, the boldness you lived with.  Thank you for doing you.  I know you’re dancing now, exploding love on our Heavenly Father.