Growing, Living and Learning

 

I have changed. I have grown.  Of course we change: the political ideologies and worldview we grow up with change as we experience life and meet new and wonderful people.  If we don’t grow, or we don’t change, we stop living.  I am not done living.

Because I no longer agree with the foundations of the Republican party does not mean I am suddenly what some would call a flaming liberal or a libtard (childish phrases when used by an adult are just indicating that adult’s lack of maturity).  It means two things: 1.  I have seen more that has made me rethink the blind faith I once had in a party that was handed to me because I grew up in the South.  2.  The party has changed.

I now live in an area where I can actually see the affects of climate change, so my once critical and minimizing view of the issue has changed.

Because I now live in an area where gas & mineral companies want to exploit the land, leaving it marked with scars and the air less clean, my views on the environment have changed.

Because I have met people who are members of the LGBTQ community, and have gotten to know these people, my compassion for people who may be *different* than me has grown.

Because I know and adore people of color, who have impacted my life immensely, my capacity to open my perspective to the struggles of a marginalized community has changed.

Because I walked through a divorce, my capacity to sit with people in rough times has changed.

Because I am a parent, I now can now better understand why my parents did things.  And I can sit with my moms-of-boys friends with our heads in our hands and wonder WHY little boys do the things they do!!!

These are not bad things. Because I believe and vote differently than you does not make me better or you better.  I have grown on my journey.  We all have different opinions and worldviews than we did at 20.  Those of us who have had longer journeys, have had more opportunity for growth.  My parents are in their 70s.  I’m sure where they stood on an issue when they were 20, in the 60’s is different than it is now.

If what I write or say challenges you, fine.  It’s not because I am trying to put you down, it’s because I am sharing me. Take it as a compliment.  And if it pushes a button, if it feels weird, ask yourself why?  Are you holding on to something that you may not need to hold on to?  Is there something you can challenge me with?  Challenge away, but for the love, do so respectfully. 

We grow and we learn.  To quote Albert Einstein, “Once you stop learning, you start dying.”

The Struggle with Intense and Passionate Dislike

 

Hate:  Intense and Passionate Dislike

*raw*

This is something I have honestly been struggling with lately.  Hate.  It is such a strong word. It is a legitimate emotion.  The definition however is really rather simple:  feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

How I want to hate the person of our president.  The loathsome person that he is makes my blood boil.  The disdain for which he speaks of women, people of color, of non-“American” descent, of the disabled, and of anyone who doesn’t to agree with him.  I just cannot.  

I can honestly say I have an intense and passionate dislike for him.  I have an intense dislike for leaders who say no Supreme Court nominee should be confirmed during an election year and then insist one should be nominated and confirmed in less than 60 days.  I have an intense dislike for hypocrisy.

I feel an intense and passionate dislike for where our country is.  His slogan was make America great again.  Disgust.  When was America greatest?  Was it when we oppressed indigenous people, kicking them off their land?  Was it when we owned people of color and decided they were less than fully human because they have a different color skin?  Was it when women were unable to own property because, though we are the ones who give birth, we are unintelligent and cannot be trusted with things of great importance?  Was it when we segregated schools, busses, water fountains because essentially, cooties?!  What is great about that?

America was founded on the premise that we could be great, but we’re not there yet.  WE ARE NOT THERE. There is no making America great AGAIN.  It is time to take those ideals and actually make America what it was intended to be. And it looks nothing like Donald Trump’s America.

We, as Americans, are currently essentially on a health watch list for the ENTIRE world because of COVID-19.  The ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) was initially drafted in 1923.  1923, 97 years ago.  The final draft for ratification was in 1972, 48 years. In that nearly half a century since it has been available for ratification, 35 states, (then 38, then we lost 5 states, then the OLC said that Virginia didn’t count; look it up) have said that women deserve equal rights.  What. The. Actual. Hell.  People of color still, STILL are actively discriminated against in policies our government supports.

We are not a great country.  We absolutely can be, but not with the leadership we have now.

I just want to scream!

What makes a woman, who gives birth, less?  Are we not as smart?  Are we not as powerful? I would argue the exact opposite, but the patriarchy that our country has bought into has worked tirelessly at making women less.

What makes a person of color less? Their skin color?  My son can answer this question and he is 8.  There is NOTHING that makes someone with darker skin less!  I just cannot.  How in the world is this even a thought? 

What makes someone who loves someone one of the same gender less?  What makes someone who is transgender less?  NOTHING.

The only thing that paints these god-awful, ugly pictures about anything being less is perspective and opinion.

What infuriates me more is where the less standard comes from. What line are we measuring humanity by?  White men.  Sorry, it’s true. White men.  Sorry white men. Jesus was NOT white and you do not have the only phone number to God.  You do not.  Nope.  The measuring line of humanity, if we’re going by Jesus, was a man of color, who was a carpenter, of a kingdom which was perpetually being oppressed, and who was marginalized by his ethnicity and religion.  Absolutely, unequivocally not a white man. 

Crap. Y’all we are broken. BROKEN.  Broken people elect broken leaders.  This is how we ended up with a president who condones violence, who consorts with another country to fracture elections. This is how we end up with someone who knowingly, KNOWINGLY, downplayed a deadly virus.  And now, we are at over 204,000 deaths.  And please do not begin with COVID-19 not being the primary reason for death. If you have heart disease and are hit by a truck, the truck that hit you killed you; not the heart disease. If someone has heart disease, it is being treated and maintained, and contracts COVID-19 and dies of respiratory failure, it is NOT the heart disease that killed them. IT IS COVID.

I think we have to struggle with hate in order to get things straight.  We are not GREAT.  We are Broken.  Broken.  Broken things can be made beautiful but it takes a good hard look at the crap we are.  Here’s a start:

Women are equal.  We have brains. We have rights.  We are fully human.  Bonus: we have the honor and privilege of having the babies.

People of color are equal. They have brains. They have rights. They are fully human.

The LGBTQ community are equal.  Every single one. Every one. They have brains.  They have rights. They are fully human. 

Indigenous people are equal. They have brains. They have rights. They are fully human.

Refugees and asylum seekers are equal. They have brains. They have rights. They are fully human. Bonus here too:  Our country was founded by these types of folks.  Pay it forward.

If you are voting for someone who believes anything less than the above, they are not equipped for the job.  They are not a leader. They are a self-serving, greedy individual who is using politics to espouse hatred.

I don’t really know how to deal with the intense and passionate dislike of a person. I think it is okay to hate where our country is.  I really do.  But hating a person or people isn’t really what God has asked me to do or what Jesus modeled.  And I want my life to be more like authentic Jesus. 

This week is rough.  We came back from a wonderful backpacking trip with my son- his first!  He did so great!!  And I walked back into RBG’s death. What an epic blow.  As if 2020 needed more.  I don’t know if her death and the majority of the Republican party leadership’s response is what put me over the edge into this feeling or if it has been building over the last many months. I think it is the latter.

For now, I’ll pray for the president- which is an exercise in extreme reliance on God to give me any good words for him.  For now, I will look to Jesus who I know fought for the oppressed, the marginalized, the women caught in adultery.  He still had compassion on those who oppressed him.  He even asked God to forgive them as he hung on the cross. (Luke 23:34).  I imagine if he can, he can help me handle it.  But it is struggle.  Daily.  I don’t want my little boy to grow up in a world like we’re in right now.

Dear Woman Walking Through Divorce

I've been contemplating writing this for a while.  I've sat on it, but then today, I found out another woman was walking through this and the burden to share it increased. So here it is.

Dear woman walking through divorce, is divorced, or contemplating it:

YOU are not broken. 

Your spirit may be broken, but you do not belong on the Island of Misfit Toys. 

YOU are ENOUGH.  I know you may have been told your entire life that you are not enough, or are too much, but you are not.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Women across the globe are working on catching up.  We’ve been told our entire lives we are not enough or too much.  You’re too loud, be quieter. You’re too quiet, speak up.  Keep the house cleaner.  Take better care of yourself.  Be submissive.  Step up, be more ambitious.  Work out more. Work out less. 

We have been on an uphill battle our entire lives. Women of color, have a steeper climb. 

Nothing about this is easy.  Divorce is not easy.  Divorce is hard.  It hurts.  It hurts more than we realize it will, sharing our child(ren), dealing with family and friends who don’t understand, don’t try to understand, or still whisper the word “divorce.”

I would never have expected myself to walk through divorce.  If you had told me 10 years ago that I would not be married to the man who is my child’s father, I would have told you that you were high on something.  However, I am divorced.  I am now remarried, and that world is a whole other level of trying to figure things out.

It doesn’t matter where the “fault” lies- or better phrased, with whom the responsibility lies, it still hurts.  If you asked for the divorce, it still hurts.  If you didn’t ask for it, it hurts.  If your actions precipitated the divorce, it still hurts.  If they didn’t, it hurts.  It does not matter which way it happens, it still hurts. 

For me, I was afraid to go to church because where I am from divorce is still whispered.  Church was one of the two places I’d felt safest.  The other is running with friends, and thankfully the ladies I had become friends with, ran with me without judgment. 

Why do we still whisper it?  So many people go through this, and yet we still stigmatize it.  Something must be wrong with her; she must’ve have ____ (fill in the blank); he must have… the list is endless.  The way we treat it causes nearly as much pain as the divorce itself.  It has got to stop.

I could tell you what I think the church ought to do, but I won’t.  Okay maybe I’ll suggest starting with not stigmatizing it and the people who walk through it as inherently wrong, broken, to be fixed. 

But to you woman, who never, ever expected to see this in your life:  You are enough.  You are not broken.  Your spirit may be broken; your heart is likely broken or breaking, but don’t question who you are and that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. 

Stay strong woman.  Find some ladies who will support you and love you no matter what all of this looks like. I hope you have some already.  If you don’t find a counselor who will listen.  Heck, I will.  You are worthy of someone to sit with you in your hurt and walk with you as you begin life again.

 

Lovingly,

Another divorced woman