Jerseys

I am so, so sad y’all.  My heart just hurts over the hatred I see in our whole world.  Taking a step away from the hate and vitriol permeating our country, I see the death that is resulting from the ever-present conflict between Israel and Palestine (and Hamas).  I see the persecution of the Uighur people in China and the ethnic cleansing of the Tigray people in Ethiopia, and my heart just hurts so deeply.  Add to that the way in which people in my own country are treating each other over a politician and my grief can look and feel like anger.  I don’t like to be angry.

I’ve been reading what I think is possibly one of the most balanced books I have ever had the pleasure of reading called I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers.  Historically, Sarah- a Democrat, and Beth- a Republican, have been on different sides of the aisle, yet as it should be had a thriving friendship which resulted in a podcast (PantsuitPolitics) and this book based on how to have grace filled conversations about things we may disagree on.  For clarification, Beth has since renounced her membership of the Republican party.  I am not commenting on why, but for reference, I did in 2013 when I moved to a state that allowed me to be an “unaffiliated” voter.  This granted me the opportunity to not vote straight-ticket, and instead to look at my faith informed values, research the values and positions of the individuals running for office, and choose, regardless of party affiliation, which person was more in-line with where my values, positions, and decisions were. I say this to indicate that these two brilliant women come from different places, but have found a way to have conversations about topics that are tearing our country apart with grace and nuance and have remained friends and become closer.

One of the theories pointed out in Chapter 2: Take Off Your Jersey, is that we are a bit too sports minded. Huh? How are sports involved? Let’s think about it for a second, at least in the United States.  What do we love to do on Saturdays down South and Sundays everywhere else? Watch FOOTBALL.  In the Spring, we’re at soccer games or baseball games for our kids or for plain enjoyment.  I don’t have to explain the Auburn-Alabama rivalry to too many people, but just the thought of how hateful it can be is picture enough.  Translate that now to someone with a different political view- a view that in your opinion degrades the very fabric of something you hold precious. Did you feel that blood start to boil?  What if this person happened to be your child’s best friend’s parent?  Do you see how this can be problematic?

Beth & Sarah write better, so I’ll quote a paragraph which made me want to buy a copy for every individual on the planet:

To (reluctantly) stay with sports metaphors, what's the long game? If we continue to believe that the other side is out to destroy America, wouldn't the only victory mean that 50% of the country packs up and goes elsewhere? That is not happening, and we would not be served if it did. We are here together. We aren't going anywhere. And we all belong. We have to find sources of connection despite our disagreement. In order to find that type of connection, we have to stop treating everything as a competition. We can stop focusing on racking up wins and reach out to each other in the face of our fear and anger and vulnerability. We can move forward together. We just have to take off our jerseys. (emphasis mine)

If we are always wearing our jerseys, half the country is in your “out-group.”  Loads of research has been done on out-grouping.  Referenced in the book is a study done by an elementary school teacher in 1968 not long after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.  She grouped the students in her class into a brown-eyed group and a blue-eyed group. She told one group they were better than the others, and the other group they were less.  Suddenly, these children who were once friends began to turn on each other.  Both groups became hateful to each other, the “betters” against the “lessers.”  When we encounter “out-groups” our amygdala gets hijacked.  Dang amygdala.  We have tons of out groups!  I am divorced and remarried, so my best friend who is still married to her husband and father of her child, is in my out-group.  My other best friend, who is also divorced, but not remarried, is also in an out-group, because she is single and I am not. Do I hate these women, good-heavens of course not.  These women are my best friends.  We have far more in common than we do not. We all have sons. We are all very active.  One is also from Alabama.  One is not.  So what is the difference between an out-group that triggers that dang amygdala to freak out?  Something we are unfamiliar with, disagree with, or don’t “like.”

Here's the question I wrote in the margins of the book (Yes, I am a margin writer.  Yes, that makes me in someone’s out-group.  I’m not trying to take over the world though, I promise.) How can I actively work against the amygdala hijack when I encounter someone who is an “out-group” that has a different opinion than I do on something sensitive?  Count.  Find something in common (even if it is that the other person is human, like me).  Count again.  Respond.  Do.Not.React.

Miles McPherson gave a spectacular talk at my old church in 2019 called “The Third Option.” He’s also written a book about in-groups and out-groups which I have not read, but have it on my list.  The book is called The Third Option:  Hope for a Racially Divided Nation.  Its focus is on racial in-grouping and out-grouping from my understanding but it is 100% applicable to today’s culture that if you are not with “us” politically, that you have to be against us. This is just not so.

We have far more in common than we have differences in.  We truly do.  Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Libertarians, all want what is best for our country.  No one is – hopefully- trying to dismantle the country.  Each party comes at it from a different place of course, and this is where the rub happens.  Instead of listening to someone else’s ideas or opinion and letting it help challenge and shape our own, we instantly say NO to it, even if it is a spectacular idea, or something that just helps tweak our own position. 

We have allowed the media, and those in power to begin to dictate our voice instead of letting our voice influence the media and those in power.  Congress is meant to be as varied as the number of people who hold these service offices.  I say service intentionally because they are there to serve and lead, not to dictate and force. Having varied voices and opinions is what creates great things.  Allowing our “jersey” to force our opinion diminishes creativity and in a world as off kilter as the one we are living in today we are desperate for some creative thinking to turn off the hatred, even if for a moment, so we can have a conversation.

Thank you Sarah and Beth- for the simple and spot-on analogy of our jerseys.  For this we truly do need to think about what we are wearing.  I’m hoping to wear the love others jersey most days.  What are you wearing?

Edit:

Link to Pantsuit Politics for those interested:

https://www.pantsuitpoliticsshow.com/