What about 2020

What I Want Out of 2020

Honestly, I just want it to be better. Not that 2019 was bad, it wasn’t.  It was hard in a lot of spots.  We lost my sweet doggie of 16 years in September. That plain sucked.  I mean, it was a devastating loss to me. She had been my constant companion through law school, failures, racing, being in shape, being out of shape, pregnancy, birth, moving across the country, a broken marriage, healing, a new marriage, a new home, parenting, new jobs, new friends, joy, and sadness.  She had been there every single step of the way.  Learning to live without my little dog snoring behind me or following me everywhere was and is still really hard.

While that really sucked, 2019 wasn’t bad. And I honor that it was a year of good and bad. I just want 2020 to be better.

I feel like I’ve been moving from one drama to the next and I am ready for it to stop.  I know full well the climate drama, the political drama, and in general life will not cease being dramatic. I just want a little steadiness in life.

We are walking through my son going through a G&T and ADHD evaluation.  The evaluation itself is one thing, but walking through life with a highly spirited, highly energetic, highly passionate little dude who doesn’t quite have the frontal lobe to cope with it all is really tough.  There are moments like today where he got up 30 minutes early and after a quick restroom trip, did nothing but snuggle in my lap on the sofa.  Those moments are priceless.  I adore those moments and try to store them up for the moment we are AT school and he realizes he’s left his Pokemon cards at our house and therefore cannot play them at morning recess (it was about 12 outside, so it was inside morning recess).  Mini-meltdown ensued full with “air hitting” and tears. 

That child is my heart.  To see him struggle hurts so badly. It is defeating. Last night after getting him to bed fairly easily, but after having a pre-dinner double meltdown, I just laid on the sofa and cried with a pile of laundry awaiting my attention and materials that needed to be studied.  It not only hurt my heart, it just finally began to hurt my body.  He is so joyful. He is so bright.  He so amazing.  But with the brilliance and amazingness comes struggle as with any child, especially one who is highly spirited.  I read, I pray, I pour over ingredients in his food. I do everything I can- I choose words carefully so as to be wary of triggers.  I post notes around the house reminding him how wonderful he is and that he CAN.  Highly spirited kids, and especially those with ADHD on average get 30 negatives for every 1 positive.  30 to 1.  I heard that on a podcast while I was uphill skiing and it stopped me dead in my tracks. My body just about fell to the ground.  My little man gets that many more negatives than positives- no wonder his heart hurts.  I know some come from us, from his father, from others, and so sadly, from himself.  The suggested ratio for kids is 3:1. Three negatives to one positive.  So I post notes and dang near berate him with the positives I know about him. 

So I want 2020 to be better for him.  I want to find some resources and skills so he will be in a position to succeed and thrive.  I want him to hear fewer negatives and more positives.  I want to do better by my kid.  I feel so inadequate in parenting him. Some days I feel like I’ve got it together!  I manage to stay calm amidst the storm, which isn’t easy since I fall into that highly spirited passionate category myself!  Some days, I am in the middle of it with him.  We both get hungry before we feel hungry.  So I stash snacks in coats, cars, purses, backpacks.  He gets tired and denies it!  Of course, he’s 7, so he just has FOMO like any other kid. 

I want 2020 to be better for me.  For some reason, somehow I got talked into a challenge I really had no intention of ever broaching again. I had put it behind me and was content-ish about it.  But now, I’m in the middle of preparing for this massive intellectual/academic hurdle while working full time and walking my precious son through this time, not to mention trying to nurse a new marriage to a wonderful man.  Dang- what the heck was I thinking.  If I can just conquer it, I can put it behind me and out of my mind.

I want to walk with Jesus like I used to. I miss my church back home.  I miss the closeness with God I had and I want it back; if I can figure out how to make the 24 hours work.  I miss Him. I miss His peace. I miss KNOWING He has it.

I want me back. I want to take care of my body because I just get the one. I want to have my back and core be strong so I can not hurt, be able to play hard with my kid, just enjoy the activities I love.  I want to be fast again. I know it sounds silly, but I wasn’t ready to give up running under 7 minutes per mile for a half-marathon or the thought of maybe, one day, getting to run under 3:15 for a marathon. 

And we’re getting a puppy in March. That’ll be fun.  A lot of work but fun.

So 2020 has potential, but I’m just scared of it.  What if it sucks.  What if NOTHING goes well and there is more failure and more distress and heartache. What if my son struggles MORE.

I need you God.  This world is in shambles.  People hate each other if they disagree.  Wars are about to start over Twitter.  I just need help standing up sometimes.