Why I Lament

Why I Lament

This week I have been experiencing a grieving deep within my heart and body like I have never felt.  I have also felt a fury deep within that is different than any anger or frustration I have experienced.  Our nation has been brought to its knees through a pandemic and has now been kicked in the stomach as Ahmaud Arbery lost his life and again when George Floyd lost his.  Further salting the wound has been the peaceful protests which ended in tear gas, followed by riots and looting.  How the mighty America has fallen.

I have heard people talking a lot about “lament” lately.  Rightfully so even prior to the senseless killings of these two black men and to be honest, long before the COVID-19 pandemic and crisis.  We have been in a place where lamenting has been necessary for far too long.

My lament today is Why Jesus? Why God? Why are we continually spiraling down?  How long will we be allowed to do this?  I am broken. I am grieving in a way I didn’t know was possible.  Abba, it is somewhere between fury and life-stealing grief. I fear if I allow myself to cry, I will never stop.  I feel like I have been grieving the loss for years.  I feel like we have continued to just miss it God.  What are we missing?  How do we get people to see that YOU made us male and female; you made us all the same on the inside, but in your beautiful mosaic you created a thousand different shades of skin.  Our inner beings are no different- we all have hearts, and lungs, and brains and bones.  We are all made of the same stuff.  You just gave us all a different outward appearance.  I grieve that I come from a place where division based on that has been so prevalent for so long, and that at sometime in our history it was considered OK to buy and sell people. I grieve that anyone was ever OWNED by another or considered less intelligent because they have a different outward appearance.  I grieve that men thought for so long that since women gave birth to children, we were property, less intelligent, shouldn’t buy or sell things, should not be allowed to vote.  And to this day Abba, those of us who have the babies are still considered expendable at work and have borne a heavier burden than most men during this pandemic, as the bulk of the at home work has been and will likely always be ours.  And even more so, it hurts so deep within to really see this- minority women even moreso- why?!  Why do my black friends’ sons have to walk in fear wherever they go- that someone is going to expect them to be a problem?  Why is this okay!?  Abba I know it isn’t okay- Abba I know you have given us a mirror for the last nearly four years- why is no one looking at the reflection?

For me, my lament began the day Donald Trump won the electoral college in 2016.  Not because I am a Democrat. I am an independent after having been a lifelong Republican, born and raised in the South, deeply involved in my church, and shy of one semester before graduating with a certificate in ministry.  This is not a party sided lament.  My lament began because I did not see a leader in the man who was chosen to lead our country.  I saw division.  I saw self-gratification and arrogance.  I saw a man who was more determined to undo things others had done than try to create anything new himself.  I found one of my old journal entries from shortly after the election and found this:  Why O Lord, why, is someone determined to divide allowed this opportunity?  Why have you left us in the hands of someone who doesn’t show himself to have been changed by you?  Why, oh why Lord?  He will only divide and destroy.

I fully believe that he was allowed into the office of President to act as a mirror to our society.  I thought I had seen the worst of it.  Until now.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” Galatians 5:22

When I look at the man who sits in the office of President I see someone who has no character that reflects that of a changed heart.  I do not see love- I see hate. I do not see joy- I see anger and fear. I do not see peace- I see divisiveness.  I do not see patience- I see aggression and hastiness, or in the alternative, laziness.  I do not see kindness- I see neglect and vengefulness.  I do not see goodness- I see selfishness.  I do not see faithfulness- I see arrogance.  I do not see gentleness- I see intolerance.  And I do not see self-control- I see thousands of knee-jerk reactions in the form of Twitter tirades.

I know I may lose people I care about over this, but I have to ask because I love you and you are dear to me:  How can you support someone who actively divides our country?  How can you support someone who claims to be pro-life, yet finds 100,000 deaths an “acceptable” number amidst a pandemic?  How do you support someone who responds to people who out of their economic hardship, generations of being stepped on, kneeled on and diminished, make the poor decision to loot (which is clearly illegal) with, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.”  Can you support someone who so obviously cares so little about human life?  Because he’s a republican or claims to be one? Because he’s not the Democrat?  Why is that the right reason to support someone?  I don’t understand.  I honestly, and humbly, just don’t? Is there something I am missing?

If your spouse, employer, employee, friend, child said that would you support them?  If your answer is no, then why is it okay for the person who is supposed to be leading our country?  Who is supposed to be an example?  These are not the qualities of a leader.

Here is my prayer- Bolder than I am comfortable with to be honest:

Abba- awaken us.  Awaken those who follow after You to see the truth.  Awaken us even if it makes us uncomfortable.  Urge pastors and leaders rise up and call a sin what is a sin. Actively teach against it.  Show your people how to see it in ourselves and in our leaders, and give us the boldness to call out what is wrong.  Hold our leaders accountable for actions and words which divide and incite violence.  Call us out of our political parties which cloud our judgment and give us new eyes to see what is truly needed in a leader. You have clearly identified in your Word the qualities of a leader.  Let us see with clarity those people who truly are leaders after your heart and not just someone who claims to be.  Abba NOW is the time for the church to stop pretending and to stop dancing around what must be said.  Give our pastors boldness and wisdom to step out of slavery to any party and instead speak about the greatest commandment and what follows.  That our #1 job is to love you with all our hearts, mind and souls and #2 to love our neighbor as ourselves.  That the fruit of the Spirit in someone’s life is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.  That these are the things we need to hold our leaders up against.  We need you God.  We have had nearly four years of a mirror that has shown how depraved, hateful, callous and arrogant our country has become.  Please Lord, awaken our hearts.