Dear Woman Walking Through Divorce

I've been contemplating writing this for a while.  I've sat on it, but then today, I found out another woman was walking through this and the burden to share it increased. So here it is.

Dear woman walking through divorce, is divorced, or contemplating it:

YOU are not broken. 

Your spirit may be broken, but you do not belong on the Island of Misfit Toys. 

YOU are ENOUGH.  I know you may have been told your entire life that you are not enough, or are too much, but you are not.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Women across the globe are working on catching up.  We’ve been told our entire lives we are not enough or too much.  You’re too loud, be quieter. You’re too quiet, speak up.  Keep the house cleaner.  Take better care of yourself.  Be submissive.  Step up, be more ambitious.  Work out more. Work out less. 

We have been on an uphill battle our entire lives. Women of color, have a steeper climb. 

Nothing about this is easy.  Divorce is not easy.  Divorce is hard.  It hurts.  It hurts more than we realize it will, sharing our child(ren), dealing with family and friends who don’t understand, don’t try to understand, or still whisper the word “divorce.”

I would never have expected myself to walk through divorce.  If you had told me 10 years ago that I would not be married to the man who is my child’s father, I would have told you that you were high on something.  However, I am divorced.  I am now remarried, and that world is a whole other level of trying to figure things out.

It doesn’t matter where the “fault” lies- or better phrased, with whom the responsibility lies, it still hurts.  If you asked for the divorce, it still hurts.  If you didn’t ask for it, it hurts.  If your actions precipitated the divorce, it still hurts.  If they didn’t, it hurts.  It does not matter which way it happens, it still hurts. 

For me, I was afraid to go to church because where I am from divorce is still whispered.  Church was one of the two places I’d felt safest.  The other is running with friends, and thankfully the ladies I had become friends with, ran with me without judgment. 

Why do we still whisper it?  So many people go through this, and yet we still stigmatize it.  Something must be wrong with her; she must’ve have ____ (fill in the blank); he must have… the list is endless.  The way we treat it causes nearly as much pain as the divorce itself.  It has got to stop.

I could tell you what I think the church ought to do, but I won’t.  Okay maybe I’ll suggest starting with not stigmatizing it and the people who walk through it as inherently wrong, broken, to be fixed. 

But to you woman, who never, ever expected to see this in your life:  You are enough.  You are not broken.  Your spirit may be broken; your heart is likely broken or breaking, but don’t question who you are and that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. 

Stay strong woman.  Find some ladies who will support you and love you no matter what all of this looks like. I hope you have some already.  If you don’t find a counselor who will listen.  Heck, I will.  You are worthy of someone to sit with you in your hurt and walk with you as you begin life again.

 

Lovingly,

Another divorced woman