Dear Woman Walking Through Divorce

I've been contemplating writing this for a while.  I've sat on it, but then today, I found out another woman was walking through this and the burden to share it increased. So here it is.

Dear woman walking through divorce, is divorced, or contemplating it:

YOU are not broken. 

Your spirit may be broken, but you do not belong on the Island of Misfit Toys. 

YOU are ENOUGH.  I know you may have been told your entire life that you are not enough, or are too much, but you are not.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Women across the globe are working on catching up.  We’ve been told our entire lives we are not enough or too much.  You’re too loud, be quieter. You’re too quiet, speak up.  Keep the house cleaner.  Take better care of yourself.  Be submissive.  Step up, be more ambitious.  Work out more. Work out less. 

We have been on an uphill battle our entire lives. Women of color, have a steeper climb. 

Nothing about this is easy.  Divorce is not easy.  Divorce is hard.  It hurts.  It hurts more than we realize it will, sharing our child(ren), dealing with family and friends who don’t understand, don’t try to understand, or still whisper the word “divorce.”

I would never have expected myself to walk through divorce.  If you had told me 10 years ago that I would not be married to the man who is my child’s father, I would have told you that you were high on something.  However, I am divorced.  I am now remarried, and that world is a whole other level of trying to figure things out.

It doesn’t matter where the “fault” lies- or better phrased, with whom the responsibility lies, it still hurts.  If you asked for the divorce, it still hurts.  If you didn’t ask for it, it hurts.  If your actions precipitated the divorce, it still hurts.  If they didn’t, it hurts.  It does not matter which way it happens, it still hurts. 

For me, I was afraid to go to church because where I am from divorce is still whispered.  Church was one of the two places I’d felt safest.  The other is running with friends, and thankfully the ladies I had become friends with, ran with me without judgment. 

Why do we still whisper it?  So many people go through this, and yet we still stigmatize it.  Something must be wrong with her; she must’ve have ____ (fill in the blank); he must have… the list is endless.  The way we treat it causes nearly as much pain as the divorce itself.  It has got to stop.

I could tell you what I think the church ought to do, but I won’t.  Okay maybe I’ll suggest starting with not stigmatizing it and the people who walk through it as inherently wrong, broken, to be fixed. 

But to you woman, who never, ever expected to see this in your life:  You are enough.  You are not broken.  Your spirit may be broken; your heart is likely broken or breaking, but don’t question who you are and that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. 

Stay strong woman.  Find some ladies who will support you and love you no matter what all of this looks like. I hope you have some already.  If you don’t find a counselor who will listen.  Heck, I will.  You are worthy of someone to sit with you in your hurt and walk with you as you begin life again.

 

Lovingly,

Another divorced woman

Compassion

Jesus instructs us to “… go and learn what this means, ‘I desire compassion and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Matthew 9:13, NASB)

He further admonishes the Pharisees saying “But if you had known what this means, ‘I desire compassion and not a sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.” (Matthew 12:7)

He’s correcting the religious leaders and y’all, I think he’d be correcting them still today. 

Compassion here is Strong’s 1656, the Greek word “eleos,” or in our language, mercy.  Mercy defined as kindness or good will towards others, specifically the miserable and the afflicted, joined with a desire to help them:

a.      of people towards people: to exercise the virtue of mercy, show one's self merciful

b.     of God towards men: in general providence; the mercy and clemency of God in providing and offering to men salvation by Christ

c.      the mercy of Christ, whereby at his return to judgment he will bless true Christians with eternal life

Since we’re not God and we are not Christ, the first definition is directed towards us, as those who claim Christ, who claim to have been changed in the heart, having received the Holy Spirit.  I have got to tell you though, and this is hard:  We are lacking compassion for those we disagree with.  We’re lacking compassion for those we don’t understand, live like, look like.  We are lacking compassion when it comes to way too many things lately.  And that hurts- I would venture to say it hurts God’s heart.  Here are the children of God, who have been called to be light in the world, who have been advised to let our light so shine before men that they may see God and send glory God’s way, acting mercilessly to one another.

It’s like love.  Love is kind of the job. It is kind of the primary focus of what we are called to be as Christ followers.  1.  Love God.  2.  Love God’s kids.  As I’ve said before, if they’ve got a heartbeat, that’s God’s kid.  Every single one of us. God wishes that none should perish, but to bring those who were created back into the loving arms of the Creator.  So why on this gorgeous earth are we so dang mean to one another? Heavens!  Y’all, we are mean.  And every single one of us has been a part of it in some way, shape or form. 

This pandemic, this political climate has brought out the worst in us, hands down.  I am guilty of it- Lord knows that I have had my share of moments of screaming into my pillow about something that just goes against every single fiber of my being.  But it doesn’t matter, the bottom line is that I still must show compassion, mercy to whomever it is because whether I see it or not, that person is God’s kid.

Personally, I have had an extraordinarily difficult time having compassion for our president.  My husband can attest to the mouth I have had about this man, as can a few other folks I have been 100% transparent with.  And then I came across Matthew 9:13 and again at Matthew 12:7. Well crap.  Now I have to find a way to be compassionate for a man who makes my skin crawl; who demeans women; who lies; who shirks responsibility but wants all the power; who has alienated our entire country from our allies by his words and actions.  Crap.

So how do we find compassion deep inside for someone who rails against 99.9% of the things we believe in? I wish it were an easy answer.  It isn’t.  How do I show mercy for someone who degrades the very fabric of what I hold most dear? I honestly think this is where the work is for now.  I do not know.  I know I can work toward compassion for most anyone I disagree with.  For a time, I could tell myself, “he’s someone’s granddaddy” and convince myself to give a little bit of compassion.  That was four years ago though and that reason wore out a long time ago.

My work will be digging deeper here because as much as I love to vocalize the love God and love people message, I can honestly say I struggle with extending it to this one person.  This one person stopped me from posting this for over three weeks.  This one person, who in my estimation is the word picture of what is wrong with our country right now, and my inability or lack of capacity to at a minimum have compassion for, is stunting my growth.

For me, I’ll start with Jesus.  I’m fairly certain he has the upper hand on having those who literally were against everything he was.  He didn’t ignore their wrongness. Compassion doesn’t ignore wrongness. Compassion doesn’t mean that we don’t hold people accountable, especially, ESPECIALLY those in positions of leadership.  Compassion does mean though, that I have to try.

Crap.  I have my work cut out for me.

 

*Please do not take this to mean I will be voting for him because I unequivocally, unabashedly, and loudly will not vote for a man who goes against everything I hold most dear.

You Cannot Love God and Hate Others

Y’all, I am done. I am done with those who I know who are Christians denying and flat out ignoring the mandate which God gave us.  #1.  Love God.  Which is sometimes kind of hard let’s face it. Especially when “Christians” are HATING on those who are different.  And #2.  Love God’s kids. And by God’s kids, I mean- if they’re breathing and have a heartbeat, God’s kids.

If you love God- you don’t say:  If a dude pretends to be a woman, you’re required to pretend with him.  Nope.  If you love God, you say:  I may not understand, but GOD loves you.  God told me to love you.  I will LOVE you.  It may be hard. I may not get there yet. But I am going to WORK to it.  Because God made you, I will love you.

If you love God, you do not, DO NOT call COVID-19 the China Virus.  Come on y’all.  I am going to call it what it is.  This is classless and trashy.  What happened to let your light so shine before men so that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. (reference, Matthew 5:16)  What about calling something with a scientific name, which has affected every single corner of the Earth the China Virus?  By doing this, not only is it being associated with one part of the world, inaccurately, it is causing acts of harassment against people from Asia.  Don’t cause others to stumble? I’ve done it. It sucks. Don’t.

We are not to judge. We are to leave that work to God- why?  Because He alone can see the hearts and minds of all of us and is the only one who can do so accurately.  What we are able to do is to look at the fruit of someone’s life and be able to determine if this person should be in charge, be in power, lead people. So let me ask you this:  Do you see the fruit of the Spirit in our president?  Do you see love?  How?  Where? I don’t.  Do you see joy? Nope. Do you see peace? Absolutely not.  The most divisive person to walk into that office, ever.  Hands down, no peace.  Do you see patience? No, I see haste and hastiness usually means poor decisions.  Kindness? Kids in cages at the border definitely is kind, right?  Goodness? Once again, kids in cages.  Dying Americans because wearing a mask does nothing, contrary to pretty much every reputable scientist and doctor.  Gentleness?  I can’t even.  Self-control? Right.  Self-control?  “I moved on her…” I won’t go on.

For those of my brothers and sisters in Christ who support DT, HOW on earth? I do not track.  He claims to be pro-life.  Being pro-life is more than a stance on abortion, it is about capital punishment, it’s about doing everything necessary to save one life of one man or woman who has COVID-19 by providing the necessary equipment, getting information to the CDC (those who are equipped to sort through a gargantuan amount of data), and working your tail off to get this figured out instead of brushing it off, saying that it’ll disappear one day. 

The Republican party doesn’t look like Jesus y’all.  It just doesn’t. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He came to be a voice for the marginalized and love those who aren’t loved by society.  He also challenged the religious “leaders”- aka, Pharisees and Sauducees. 

This is brash.  This is bold and I am sure I will lose friends over this. But someone has to ask the hard questions and God will not let me rest without asking these.  Step back and look at this. Imagine if you showed up in 2020 from 1996 for instance, and saw this?  What if you saw nameless mercenaries taking people off the street for quietly standing with a candle in support of Black Lives Matter?  What if you showed up with a president who supports white supremacy?  How would you feel if you showed up, saw a nation amidst a pandemic, and saw the president ignoring the science? What if you saw the kids in the cages as you do now?

Heavenly Father, awaken us, open our eyes to see the truth and give us the boldness to step outside of our comfort zone and truly be the hands and feet of Jesus here.  Let us love without abandon.  Let us support those who need us.  Let us stand up to the tyranny of those who claim to follow you who show no evidence of a changed heart.