What about 2020

What I Want Out of 2020

Honestly, I just want it to be better. Not that 2019 was bad, it wasn’t.  It was hard in a lot of spots.  We lost my sweet doggie of 16 years in September. That plain sucked.  I mean, it was a devastating loss to me. She had been my constant companion through law school, failures, racing, being in shape, being out of shape, pregnancy, birth, moving across the country, a broken marriage, healing, a new marriage, a new home, parenting, new jobs, new friends, joy, and sadness.  She had been there every single step of the way.  Learning to live without my little dog snoring behind me or following me everywhere was and is still really hard.

While that really sucked, 2019 wasn’t bad. And I honor that it was a year of good and bad. I just want 2020 to be better.

I feel like I’ve been moving from one drama to the next and I am ready for it to stop.  I know full well the climate drama, the political drama, and in general life will not cease being dramatic. I just want a little steadiness in life.

We are walking through my son going through a G&T and ADHD evaluation.  The evaluation itself is one thing, but walking through life with a highly spirited, highly energetic, highly passionate little dude who doesn’t quite have the frontal lobe to cope with it all is really tough.  There are moments like today where he got up 30 minutes early and after a quick restroom trip, did nothing but snuggle in my lap on the sofa.  Those moments are priceless.  I adore those moments and try to store them up for the moment we are AT school and he realizes he’s left his Pokemon cards at our house and therefore cannot play them at morning recess (it was about 12 outside, so it was inside morning recess).  Mini-meltdown ensued full with “air hitting” and tears. 

That child is my heart.  To see him struggle hurts so badly. It is defeating. Last night after getting him to bed fairly easily, but after having a pre-dinner double meltdown, I just laid on the sofa and cried with a pile of laundry awaiting my attention and materials that needed to be studied.  It not only hurt my heart, it just finally began to hurt my body.  He is so joyful. He is so bright.  He so amazing.  But with the brilliance and amazingness comes struggle as with any child, especially one who is highly spirited.  I read, I pray, I pour over ingredients in his food. I do everything I can- I choose words carefully so as to be wary of triggers.  I post notes around the house reminding him how wonderful he is and that he CAN.  Highly spirited kids, and especially those with ADHD on average get 30 negatives for every 1 positive.  30 to 1.  I heard that on a podcast while I was uphill skiing and it stopped me dead in my tracks. My body just about fell to the ground.  My little man gets that many more negatives than positives- no wonder his heart hurts.  I know some come from us, from his father, from others, and so sadly, from himself.  The suggested ratio for kids is 3:1. Three negatives to one positive.  So I post notes and dang near berate him with the positives I know about him. 

So I want 2020 to be better for him.  I want to find some resources and skills so he will be in a position to succeed and thrive.  I want him to hear fewer negatives and more positives.  I want to do better by my kid.  I feel so inadequate in parenting him. Some days I feel like I’ve got it together!  I manage to stay calm amidst the storm, which isn’t easy since I fall into that highly spirited passionate category myself!  Some days, I am in the middle of it with him.  We both get hungry before we feel hungry.  So I stash snacks in coats, cars, purses, backpacks.  He gets tired and denies it!  Of course, he’s 7, so he just has FOMO like any other kid. 

I want 2020 to be better for me.  For some reason, somehow I got talked into a challenge I really had no intention of ever broaching again. I had put it behind me and was content-ish about it.  But now, I’m in the middle of preparing for this massive intellectual/academic hurdle while working full time and walking my precious son through this time, not to mention trying to nurse a new marriage to a wonderful man.  Dang- what the heck was I thinking.  If I can just conquer it, I can put it behind me and out of my mind.

I want to walk with Jesus like I used to. I miss my church back home.  I miss the closeness with God I had and I want it back; if I can figure out how to make the 24 hours work.  I miss Him. I miss His peace. I miss KNOWING He has it.

I want me back. I want to take care of my body because I just get the one. I want to have my back and core be strong so I can not hurt, be able to play hard with my kid, just enjoy the activities I love.  I want to be fast again. I know it sounds silly, but I wasn’t ready to give up running under 7 minutes per mile for a half-marathon or the thought of maybe, one day, getting to run under 3:15 for a marathon. 

And we’re getting a puppy in March. That’ll be fun.  A lot of work but fun.

So 2020 has potential, but I’m just scared of it.  What if it sucks.  What if NOTHING goes well and there is more failure and more distress and heartache. What if my son struggles MORE.

I need you God.  This world is in shambles.  People hate each other if they disagree.  Wars are about to start over Twitter.  I just need help standing up sometimes. 

Intolerence

I wrote this on October 25, 2018.  I was holding on to it for a project I am working on but I think it should not wait.  It has not been edited since that date.

“… implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love…”

                                                                                        Ephesians 4:1b-2

           I grieve in my inmost being at what our culture has become.  Our culture has become one where hatred and intolerance are the norm, and acceptance and love are the exception.  We have become a culture where a difference in opinion is tantamount to being a mortal enemy.  It has become acceptable to body slam people for being different, reporting something disagreeable to you or to someone else.  We have become the antithesis of freedom of speech.  We have become self-censors for fear of what others’ would say or think, or do to us.  We have those who would actively censor that speech if it didn’t agree with their opinion or stance on issues.  We have become far too close to what the world once fought against.  And it grieves my heart.

“1.  a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, beliefs, practices, racial or ethnic origins, etc., differ from one’s own; freedom from bigotry.  2.  A fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions, beliefs, and practices that differ from one’s own. 3. Interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, foreign to one’s own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint. 4. The act or capacity of enduring; endurance.”

“1.  Unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect opinions or beliefs contrary to one’s own. 2. Unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect persons of a different social group, especially members of a minority group. 3. Incapacity or indisposition to bear or endure.”

Which of the above describes our current culture?  The second one- it’s the definition of Intolerance. 

What grieves me most is that some who have become the most intolerant are those who subscribe to the verse from Ephesians above.  Before stopping reading here, know this: I subscribe to the verse above and the book from which it came.  It has become my life verse, changed from one that was for over 20 years.  Why?

Because I have a friend who is transgender, and I am sure there are those who were once close to her that are now not “showing tolerance for one another in love.”

Because I have a friend who just married her wife and there are those who would not endure with her in love.

Because I am divorced and have had people speak and judge for which they do not know-Those who purport to believe that the Bible is the inherent Word of God and that it is guiding their lives.

Am I giving up on the Bible and God?  Absolutely, positively not.  But what I am doing is going back to what we- as Christians, as Christ followers are called to do: Love God.  Love People. 

“And He said to them (the Pharisees and the Sadducees) … the second (commandment) is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Matthew 22:37a, 39

The calling to love your neighbor as yourself is first found in Leviticus 19:18, this is nothing new. 

The command is clear:  LOVE.  Not hate. Not intolerance.  Not judgment, shaming or damning. Not casting out because you disagree with someone. Not sending pipe bombs to peoples’ homes because they hold a different political affiliation from you. Not warping the First Amendment to tell those who are exercising their freedom OF religion that your right is freedom FROM religion.

As a Christian, I am ashamed of the actions of many of my fellow Christians. I am saddened that the leadership of someone who claims to be a Christian, yet bears no fruit of that change, is the one who believes he is above an accountability call for his foul language, intolerance, divisiveness.

We are called to love and to keep the “unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace.” 

So I ask myself- Walking through what I have walked through, knowing those who have been ostracized for their opinions, their lifestyle, their love, and reading the Word of God for what the bottom line is:  what actions am I taking to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Last week, we received a notification in our very small town and even smaller neighborhood that a registered sex offender was moving in to an affluent area of our neighborhood.  He is listed as a “sexually violent predator” with a felony conviction and gang ties. My first inclination was to be disgusted, question the purchase of our home, be angry that someone with that history could be near our home, and be afraid.  Then I thought – this is not exhibiting love.  Instead when things settle down, my husband (without my son)  and I will introduce ourselves.  Maybe, just maybe this young man strayed down the wrong path because of hatred, intolerance, lack of love or acceptance in his life.  Whatever happened in his past which warranted this felony conviction was obviously wrong and possibly terrible.  But he’s still a person. 

What actions are you taking?  What needs to change about how you treat others, regardless of if you agree with them? We are called to love.  First.  Love.  Maybe we should stop there for now.  Learn to love our brothers and sisters again.  Learn to see the heart instead of the color, the gender, the life.

We’re not going to fix what is so wrong with our country with hatred and intolerance.  We’re only going to fix it when we can come to the table, maturely and in kindness and in tolerance of those we differ with.  And when we disagree, we can’t throw things at people, yell at them, become the kind of hatred and intolerance that killed so many in genocide.  As a quick reference, hatred and intolerance caused the following:

The Holocaust (1941-1945), German occupied Europe

The Holdomor (1932-1933), Ukranian Soviet Socialist Republic, Soviet Union

The Cambodian Genocide (1975-1979), Democratic Kampuchea

Kasakh Genocide (1931-1933), Kazakh Soviet Socialist Republic

Armenian Genocide (1915-1922), Ottoman Empire (present day Turkey, Syria & Iraq)

Rwandan Genocide (1994), Rwanda

Zunghar Genocide (1755-1758), Qing Dynasty

Circassian Genocide (1964-1967) Circassia

Genocide by the Ustase (including Serbian Genocide) (1941-1945) Independent State of Croatia

Bangladesh Genocide (1971), Bangladesh

Greek Genocide (1914-1922), Ottoman Empire

Assyrian Genocide (1915-1923), Ottoman Empire

Albigensian Crusade (1209-1229), Languedoc, France

Aardakh Genocide (1944-1948), Soviet Union

Porajmos Genocide (1935-1945), Nazi Controlled Europe

Polish Operation of the NKVD (1937-1938), Soviet Union

Mass-Killings of Jews during the White Terror (1918-1923), current day Ukraine & Russia

Darfur Genocide (2003- current), Darfur, Sudan

East Timor Genocide (1975-1999), East Timor

Burundian Genocides of Hutus (1972-1993), Burundi

Libyan Genocide (1923-1932), Italian Libya

Isaaq Genocide (1988-1991), Somalia

Kurdish Genocide (1986-1989), Iraq

Guatemalan Genocide (1962-1996), Guatemala

Herero & Namaqua Genocide (1904-1908) German South-West Africa

Latvian Operation of the NKVD (Latvian Genocide) (1937-1938), Soviet Union

California Genocide (1846-1873), California

2017 Rohingya persecution (2017-current) Myanmar

Bosnian Genocide (1992-1995) Bosnia & Herzegovina

Canadian residential school system (Canadian Genocide) (1876-1996), Canada

Selk-nam Genocide (late 19^th century-early 20^th century), Chile Tierra Del Fuego

Genocide of Yazidis, by ISIL (2014-current) Northern Iraq & Syria

Black War (mid 1820s-1832), Tasmania, Australia

Hate and intolerance is not new, it’s old.  It has never solved anything, only ripped apart families, cultures, country and a world.  It must be put into check.

#lovenothate

#loveisthejob

Waking Up in the Negative

When I wake up on the days that my sweet boy isn't with me, I wake up in the negative.  I know there will not be that smiling face with crazy morning hair peeking around the corner at me.  I know that the pajamacan will not have to visit our house that morning.  (For your own edification, there are 2 pajamacans:  Fred - the evening pajamacan, and Sam - the morning pajamacan.  These monsters come to gobble up little boys and girls who either refuse to put on their jammies - evening, or refuse to take them off and put on day clothes - morning.)  I know I won't have to convince someone that it is cold outside and thus he must wear socks and shoes and a coat.  There will not be any waffle, pancake, or cinnamon toast preparation; no little blue Star Wars cups on the counter; no 4 year old giggles.  These days I wake up in the negative.

Usually I'm able to recall the laundry list of things I have to be thankful for, and I perk up.  I watch a few videos of him laughing or skiing or chasing Lucy and I'm good.  I know I'm not too far from JE snuggles!

But lately with the current status of our country, pulling myself out of the negative has been increasingly difficult.  I am ashamed at the distasteful way people speak to each other on social media, on the phone, and even in person. I can't help but think my mom would have washed their mouths out with soap.  I think she would have washed many of our elected officials' mouths out with soap!  And corrected their grammar!!!  I am embarrassed at the joke our government has become.  I feel like there are overgrown preschoolers in suits running around in Washington.  Actually, I think my son's class is better behaved.

Is anyone else horrified?  This is just plain human decency that has flown out the window.  I was embarrassed when the Republican Congress refused to even entertain a hearing on Merrick Garland (who would have been a voice of reason and brilliance on the Supreme Court), and I fear there will be more Democrats stalling like children who want to go outside to play but refuse to put on their snow clothes.  Gorsuch isn't a bad guy.  In fact, he's strikingly similar to who he'd be replacing, Scalia, who was a strict constructionist.  While I do not agree with that viewpoint, it is nice to know that there are those who believe so passionately about the very fabric of which the Constitution was written on, that they will fight to keep it "as is."  The balance is key.  Are we looking for entertainment?  In our Government?!?!?!  We shouldn't be.  

Is anyone as concerned as I am about the wielding of power with a pen and a paper?  Some used a pen and a phone, which I disagreed with as well, but for now, no one will stay on the phone long enough to get anywhere.  Our branches of government were created to facilitate balance.  It was not intended to be adversarial.  Unfortunately though, Congress is fighting like children on the playground, our President is acting like a 2 year old who isn't getting his way, or is it a teenager who thinks the world revolves around them and they can say whatever they want without consequence, and we're letting them, and so many of the people are either sitting idly by hoping it will go away or calling each other names once would have made us shutter.

My parents taught me that I have to earn respect, not demand it.  My parents taught me to be classy and respectful of others.  My parents taught me to give full breadth and grace to others.  When I was teaching, a committee I was on was working on a civics project for the school.  We came up with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.:  Remember Each Student Practices Etiquette, Caring and Tolerance.  Maybe we should become students of our children.  My son doesn't see color or religion.  My son doesn't think his Hispanic, Asian, or Middle Eastern friends are any different than he is.  All he wants to do is be their friend.  If he sees another child in the store and doesn't get to introduce himself and become their "friend," he is saddened.  Our children have a never-ending pool of love and openness.  And while it is our job as parents to protect them from unforeseen dangers, I think it is also our job to learn from them what we have lost as we have aged.  There is joy in a pile of Legos.  They are different colors, sometimes come from different building sets, and don't always fit perfectly together.  But in the end, they make a magical toy that can take you anywhere.

When I wake up in the negative and I cannot get out, I think about my little boy and what his ever so innocent life can teach me.  It's not always immediate and it may take half the day, but putting the proverbial Legos together, a beautiful picture may be the result.

Let Us Not Grow Weary...

I am exasperated, weary and alarmed.  I am sure many of us are.  We are on Day 11 and even now I am horrified at what I am seeing and hearing.  I am horrified at how people are treating each other.  I am horrified that we've lost respect for each other so much so that some find it acceptable to judge people based on who they voted for.  I am horrified that people consider it acceptable to break the law in violent fashion in order to protest.  I am horrified that the man sitting in the Oval Office believes it is acceptable to attempt to rule instead of lead.

I am at a loss as to what could come next.  Will our great nation fall apart at the seams?  Will an elected official be the undoing of a nation that has withstood two World Wars, a Civil War, slavery, segregation, planes flying into buildings and the senseless murder of innocent children?  How can one man wield that much power?

I am an optimist.  I look for the silver lining.  I look for, and hope for, the good in someone, and if I can't find it, I try to view their lives in whole and find some good somewhere on their behalf.  It's who I am at my core and it is how my parents raised me.  It is part of who I am as a Christian.  I set out to mentally find the good:  he's a daddy; he's a grandpa; he is someone's son and someone's husband.  At some point in his life, he likely played with Legos as my little boy does.  Maybe he learned to snow ski like my son.  He likely climbed into the lap of his mother when he was tired or didn't feel good.  He learned to ride a bike.  He went to kindergarten.  At some point in his life, he was just a little boy.  But somewhere along the lines someone ratified his misconceptions that it is acceptable to treat people as second class citizens:  women, people who look differently than he does, those who hold different religious beliefs, individuals with disabilities.  I don't know who it was but it makes me sad for him.  Like so many of those who came before me in the South, the culture said it was alright for a black woman to sit at the back of the bus, while the little girl she was accompanying to the ice cream parlor, sat in front.  Somewhere along the lines, the line between what is right and wrong at the core became blurred.

I believe as a country we are dangerously close to losing that distinction ourselves.

I believe now is the the time to resist the urge to scream and yell and call people names.  I may want to rant and rave at the lack of leadership he is exhibiting, and point out that he is ruling instead of leading; something our President is not called to do.  But then again, when did yelling get us anywhere?

I think now is the time to do good. Now is the time to show acceptance where we are told not to.  I believe now is the time to gently ask open ended questions to our brothers and sisters who disagree with us instead of unilaterally determining they are uneducated or stupid.  Now is the time to persevere even more in loving one another.

Honestly, I'm not to the point of accepting him as President.  I would like to say I can support him even though I didn't vote for him.  But I cannot.  So I will continue to look at him and try to see the little boy he once was; to look at him through the eyes of his mama, and maybe I'll be able to have a little more patience.  I will not agree with him.  I will not accept this as normal.  I will not ratify an "order" that broadly bans people who are in need (and have been vetted and granted green cards, visas, or refugee status after a 2 year process) from coming to our country.  I will not say it's okay that the person who is supposed to be the spokesman for our country, speaks with disdain, disrespect and poor grammar.  I will tell my son it is perfectly fine to disagree with him, to not like him, and to resist the implications that it is okay to discriminate against others.  I will also however, encourage my son to look for the good in him, regardless of how long it takes to find.  He is after all, a grandpa and my son knows what a grandpa is.

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." (Galatians 6:9)

Maybe if we can walk through this above reproach, our great nation will come out on the other side of the tumult in a better place.  Maybe.