Jerseys

I am so, so sad y’all.  My heart just hurts over the hatred I see in our whole world.  Taking a step away from the hate and vitriol permeating our country, I see the death that is resulting from the ever-present conflict between Israel and Palestine (and Hamas).  I see the persecution of the Uighur people in China and the ethnic cleansing of the Tigray people in Ethiopia, and my heart just hurts so deeply.  Add to that the way in which people in my own country are treating each other over a politician and my grief can look and feel like anger.  I don’t like to be angry.

I’ve been reading what I think is possibly one of the most balanced books I have ever had the pleasure of reading called I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening) by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers.  Historically, Sarah- a Democrat, and Beth- a Republican, have been on different sides of the aisle, yet as it should be had a thriving friendship which resulted in a podcast (PantsuitPolitics) and this book based on how to have grace filled conversations about things we may disagree on.  For clarification, Beth has since renounced her membership of the Republican party.  I am not commenting on why, but for reference, I did in 2013 when I moved to a state that allowed me to be an “unaffiliated” voter.  This granted me the opportunity to not vote straight-ticket, and instead to look at my faith informed values, research the values and positions of the individuals running for office, and choose, regardless of party affiliation, which person was more in-line with where my values, positions, and decisions were. I say this to indicate that these two brilliant women come from different places, but have found a way to have conversations about topics that are tearing our country apart with grace and nuance and have remained friends and become closer.

One of the theories pointed out in Chapter 2: Take Off Your Jersey, is that we are a bit too sports minded. Huh? How are sports involved? Let’s think about it for a second, at least in the United States.  What do we love to do on Saturdays down South and Sundays everywhere else? Watch FOOTBALL.  In the Spring, we’re at soccer games or baseball games for our kids or for plain enjoyment.  I don’t have to explain the Auburn-Alabama rivalry to too many people, but just the thought of how hateful it can be is picture enough.  Translate that now to someone with a different political view- a view that in your opinion degrades the very fabric of something you hold precious. Did you feel that blood start to boil?  What if this person happened to be your child’s best friend’s parent?  Do you see how this can be problematic?

Beth & Sarah write better, so I’ll quote a paragraph which made me want to buy a copy for every individual on the planet:

To (reluctantly) stay with sports metaphors, what's the long game? If we continue to believe that the other side is out to destroy America, wouldn't the only victory mean that 50% of the country packs up and goes elsewhere? That is not happening, and we would not be served if it did. We are here together. We aren't going anywhere. And we all belong. We have to find sources of connection despite our disagreement. In order to find that type of connection, we have to stop treating everything as a competition. We can stop focusing on racking up wins and reach out to each other in the face of our fear and anger and vulnerability. We can move forward together. We just have to take off our jerseys. (emphasis mine)

If we are always wearing our jerseys, half the country is in your “out-group.”  Loads of research has been done on out-grouping.  Referenced in the book is a study done by an elementary school teacher in 1968 not long after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.  She grouped the students in her class into a brown-eyed group and a blue-eyed group. She told one group they were better than the others, and the other group they were less.  Suddenly, these children who were once friends began to turn on each other.  Both groups became hateful to each other, the “betters” against the “lessers.”  When we encounter “out-groups” our amygdala gets hijacked.  Dang amygdala.  We have tons of out groups!  I am divorced and remarried, so my best friend who is still married to her husband and father of her child, is in my out-group.  My other best friend, who is also divorced, but not remarried, is also in an out-group, because she is single and I am not. Do I hate these women, good-heavens of course not.  These women are my best friends.  We have far more in common than we do not. We all have sons. We are all very active.  One is also from Alabama.  One is not.  So what is the difference between an out-group that triggers that dang amygdala to freak out?  Something we are unfamiliar with, disagree with, or don’t “like.”

Here's the question I wrote in the margins of the book (Yes, I am a margin writer.  Yes, that makes me in someone’s out-group.  I’m not trying to take over the world though, I promise.) How can I actively work against the amygdala hijack when I encounter someone who is an “out-group” that has a different opinion than I do on something sensitive?  Count.  Find something in common (even if it is that the other person is human, like me).  Count again.  Respond.  Do.Not.React.

Miles McPherson gave a spectacular talk at my old church in 2019 called “The Third Option.” He’s also written a book about in-groups and out-groups which I have not read, but have it on my list.  The book is called The Third Option:  Hope for a Racially Divided Nation.  Its focus is on racial in-grouping and out-grouping from my understanding but it is 100% applicable to today’s culture that if you are not with “us” politically, that you have to be against us. This is just not so.

We have far more in common than we have differences in.  We truly do.  Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Libertarians, all want what is best for our country.  No one is – hopefully- trying to dismantle the country.  Each party comes at it from a different place of course, and this is where the rub happens.  Instead of listening to someone else’s ideas or opinion and letting it help challenge and shape our own, we instantly say NO to it, even if it is a spectacular idea, or something that just helps tweak our own position. 

We have allowed the media, and those in power to begin to dictate our voice instead of letting our voice influence the media and those in power.  Congress is meant to be as varied as the number of people who hold these service offices.  I say service intentionally because they are there to serve and lead, not to dictate and force. Having varied voices and opinions is what creates great things.  Allowing our “jersey” to force our opinion diminishes creativity and in a world as off kilter as the one we are living in today we are desperate for some creative thinking to turn off the hatred, even if for a moment, so we can have a conversation.

Thank you Sarah and Beth- for the simple and spot-on analogy of our jerseys.  For this we truly do need to think about what we are wearing.  I’m hoping to wear the love others jersey most days.  What are you wearing?

Edit:

Link to Pantsuit Politics for those interested:

https://www.pantsuitpoliticsshow.com/

Letting Easter Really Change Us

 

Tomorrow is Easter.  We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the defeat of death, the freedom he brought.  It’s a good day.

I would love to just sit here and reflect on Easter more, but I can’t.  My heart is broken.  And sadly, the church has done it.  Not all, but enough that it grieves me to my core.

Recently, my home state suffered an outbreak of tornadoes, again.  They are happening more frequently and with more ferocity.  Massive wedge tornadoes gliding over mountains never happened when I was a kid.  It happens now.  Areas, affluent areas, never threatened were devastated along with areas that have been dubbed part of tornado alley longer than I’ve been alive. These areas are not as affluent.  While I was so saddened to see friends’ homes damaged or destroyed, I was taken aback by a comment I saw from an acquaintance. There was a photo from above of her neighborhood.  The caption was along the lines of “see, see how blessed I am. See how much God loves us.  Please keep our neighbors in your prayers.”

Now, absolutely, yes, she is a blessed, loved child of God.  Without a doubt.  But to compare yourself to your neighbors and their suffering by the “oh how blessed am I” mentality makes me want to vomit. YES you are blessed.  And feel free to say that, but remember for one second that your neighbor, who’s house was obliterated, is also blessed and equally loved by God.

This among other things like mean-spirited and insensitive comments about immigrants, the devastating attacks on people of color, the gutting of voting rights, the treatment of the LGBTQ community like they are not even human, has gotten me boiling in some circumstances and bawling in others.  But it brought me to this:

THIS IS ABOUT EVERYONE.

If anything we should learn on Easter Sunday is that “it” is absolutely not all about you.  Jesus did not come to save just you. Nope. He came to love on and to save every single one of us.  That means: black, yellow, brown, white, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, non-binary, poor, wealthy, stupidly wealthy. Every damn one of us.  It is just not okay to see people compare themselves and think, I deserve these rights, but they don’t. NOPE.

What is this about? 

If you’re a Christian, it is about your responsibility to love every single person. Do you have to understand them? No.  Do you have to agree with everything they say or do? No.  Do you have a responsibility to stand up for them when others are working tirelessly to make them less? Absolutely, you do.

If we don’t you’re part of the problem. Maybe not the actual doer of the deed, but if we’re not working against injustice, racism, bigotry, inhumane treatment, and working for help, love, support, then yes we are part of the problem.

What do we do?

I wish I knew what the best thing, the most effective, the most bang-for-your-buck (or time) thing to do is.  I have been racking my brain over this.  We give financially.  We support the “minority” community here in ways we can.  My husband and I have discussed what we can do effectively if there are elections happening where voting rights have been negatively affected by unfair legislation.  We talk about this with my son.  We talk about this with friends.  So we are aware, but what do we DO?

I write.  My blog impacts so many (haha).  I have uncomfortable conversations with people I love. 

I think the first things we can practically do are to do what God asked us to do. He gave us a mandate: #1.  Love God.  Which is sometimes kind of hard let’s face it. Especially when “Christians” are HATING on those who are different.  And #2.  Love God’s kids. And by God’s kids, I mean- if they’re breathing and have a heartbeat, God’s kids.

You cannot love God and hate others. You cannot.  They are diametrically opposed to one another in theory and in action. 

So tomorrow, as we celebrate Easter, as we celebrate the Resurrection of Christ, the freedom he bought, the grace he gave, the mercy he poured out, let us take a lesson on love.  If he is the example we are to follow (flashback, WWJD), then take a moment to realize how his LOVE was poured out for every singe person to walk on this earth, ever.  That means immigrants. That means people in prison. That means people of color. That means people who look different than you do. That means people in the LGBTQ community. God means everyone, especially those who society treats like crap.  To quote Jen Hatmaker in Simple & Free (study guide), “He is stunningly concerned with the marginalized, and He is always, always burrowing deeply into our hearts, our motives, the way we think, the reasons we move.” (emphasis mine)

If Jesus, if God is “stunningly concerned” with those society says are trash, shouldn’t we take that as a big cue that we should too? 

So this week, moving forward, I’m challenging anyone who will take it on, message me please.  Step out of your comfort zone and do something loving to one God would be “stunningly concerned” with.  Heck, make it a life goal.  I have, and it has changed my life.  Am I where I want to be in the little project, nope, but I am working hard.  I’m asking myself, how can I do more, what can I say, where can I go, because if God is concerned with it, than I am too.  This is the justice work.  This is the love work Jesus exhibited on the Cross for us.  Let Easter really change us this year.

Mourning Someone Who Isn't "Yours" Anymore

 

How do you mourn the loss of someone who isn’t really in your life anymore, but made an impact for nearly 20 years?  I don’t really know.

This weekend, my former sister-in-law passed away. She was 58.  Her name is Tina and she was a bright, colorful flower.

I mourn for her mama, because at any age, the thought of burying your child is one no one should have to entertain. Her first born, her grown up little girl is gone and I cannot fathom the enormous hole in her heart.

I mourn for her daddy.  I think it always hits the dad so much more than people realize and being who men are so often raised to be, hold it inside to be the strong one.

I mourn for my ex-husband because he lost his big sissy. He lost the leader of the play pack from when they were little, the one who assistant “mommed” him as a kid.  I know his heart is broken.

I mourn for his brothers and sisters who lost the leader of their pack, their extra mom, their Tina.

I mourn for the wives, husbands, boyfriends, cousins, nieces, nephews, and grandkids who won’t have that firecracker of energy in their lives any longer. 

I mourn for my son, who lost his Aunt.

She was a firecracker.  You knew when this woman walked into a building, even if you were rooms away. 

I know mourning for her myself isn’t kosher.  The rule with exes and their family is that you’re supposed to dislike them, cut them out of your life forever.  But I call BS on that. There may be some that this fits, but it is not the rule.  It ought not be.  These people, this family was MY family for nearly 20 years.  She was my sister-in-law for nearly 15. The expectation that I cease from loving these people is ridiculous.  The expectation that what hurts them doesn’t hurt me any longer is just laughable.  Our lives were intertwined for nearly two decades.  To toss that time aside suggests that those years were worthless and nothing of value came from them.  We all know that is folly.

If you’ve been married to someone that you spent a large portion of your adult life with, built a life, experienced death and live, had a child, you are going to be impacted by what happens to that additional family you had. 

SO BS on the hurtful expectation that because you are divorced from someone means you automatically don’t care about them.  BS on the notion that what hurts them doesn’t hurt you because you were intertwined in their lives and regardless of what is said now, at one point, that person was your whole life. It is applicable more so if you have children.  I don’t understand how people can look at their child and still hate the person who that child is half of.  It makes no logical sense to me. For me, I will always care for my son’s father because without him, I would not be mama to the most amazing kid in the world- no bias.  I will always have concern for his health and well-being.  I will always want him to be happy because he deserves it. Just because a marriage fails, doesn’t mean we have to want the other to fail.

So in the face of the expectation that people just disappear from your life- BS - I am sad because this world will not know Tina anymore. There will be no more people for her to meet and explode love and kindness on.  I am sad because while she doesn’t explode love and kindness on me anymore, she did for so long.

Tina, I know I’m not your sister-in-law anymore, but thank you for exploding love, kindness, acceptance of this wild southern girl into your family so long ago. Thank you for the laughter, the silliness, the boldness you lived with.  Thank you for doing you.  I know you’re dancing now, exploding love on our Heavenly Father.

Moving Forward and Looking Back

 

We cannot move forward without looking back.  If history has taught us nothing else, it has taught that by ignoring the failures and disasters of the past, we only set ourselves up for more disasters to come.  This applies to natural disasters, personal disasters and yes, even the political ones.

At the risk of sounding too cliché, imagine centuries worth of dirt being swept under the same rug.  Eventually it becomes a stumbling block.  Well, we have tripped over that massive pile of dirt and have fallen smack on our faces.  What have we swept? Continued racism, sexism, prejudice, hatred, bigotry, hypocrisy, arrogance, and corruption. Hypocrisy and arrogance are chief among these sins, for without hypocrisy and arrogance, these would have never been swept under the rug in the first place.

I am truly struggling with all the things these days.  It is enough to parent during a pandemic.  I am truly blessed to have an incredibly observant child, an employer who supports family first, a husband who works from home, and my ability to work from home part time. (Please don’t get me wrong, days in the office are a blast these days, even when separated by glass walls.)  I love our country.  I get all warm and tingly inside when I have an opportunity to dig into the law of the Constitution.  Although, there are definitely cringeworthy moments.  I love the IDEA of America, of the United States.  I grieve at what it has become, and I know I am not alone.  But the stress this uncivil war has caused on so many, including myself, has been unbearable at times.

What then do I do?  Do I ignore it, stick my head in the sand and let what happens, happen?  No, I cannot, I love this country too much. I love this crazy experiment.  I love the idea and the fact that all men and women of all colors, races, ethnicities, and religions ARE created equally.  But that idea doesn’t come from the Constitution; that idea comes from God.

I think one of the reasons this has been so gut-wrenchingly hard for me is that I do believe in a God of love, but I know God is JUST, which means, because I am a Christian, and because I love God, I MUST believe in accountability, and support it. Which I do!  I am unable to put words to how so many who claim Christ can ignore accountability now and request we push past this egregious afront to our democracy, our way of life, our Constitution, in the name of fake unity.   Fake unity is not unity.  Fake unity is a gloss over seething undercurrents of resentment, jealousy, hurt, fury and pain.  Unity cannot happen until there is accountability. 

I am not only talking about the insurrection, incited by the former President.  I am talking about the degradation of that office by his words and behavior. I am talking about the looking past of everything any one of us would wash our child’s mouth out with soap about.  I am talking about moving the bar for the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES so low, that it no longer seems to exist. 

I am embarrassed by the behavior of the Senators and Representatives that are more concerned with their reelection by a “base” that espouses hatred, prejudice, and conspiracy over doing what is BEST for our country.  Holding someone accountable will only divide our country if our leaders encourage it.  If our leaders encourage reconciliation, unity will follow.  That’s why they’re supposed to be our “leaders.”  We, as a citizenry, have overall done an okay job electing these leaders, but let us face it head on:  we have screwed some of those up royally.

So, what do we do now?  We cannot sit by and watch our democracy crumble, regardless of who you voted for.  For me, it means a few things:  1.  We can no longer be complacent and ignore our right, privilege and duty to knowledgably vote.  2.  We need to realize that while it all affects us, it affects us ALL.  Meaning, we are our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers.  It is not only about one of us or a few.  We share this country, we share this planet. Isolating ourselves and voting for what will ONLY benefit us is a sure-fire way to create division.  It is not all about me. 3.  We need to vocalize this to our representatives now in an emphatic and legal way.  Protests are great, violence NEVER is.  4.  For me, and for I hope everyone who claims Christ, the true authentic Jesus who came to save the marginalized, the downtrodden, the oppressed, the woman and the man, the Jew and the Gentile: we need to pray.  We need to pray for wisdom for ourselves and our leaders. We need to pray that self-serving attitudes are replaced with attitudes of grace and mercy.  We need to pray that what is good wins out the day, and not lies.  We need to pray that those who seek to destroy are held accountable.  We need to pray that we live the life Jesus truly called us to: Love God, Love people, put others first.