Why I Lament

Why I Lament

This week I have been experiencing a grieving deep within my heart and body like I have never felt.  I have also felt a fury deep within that is different than any anger or frustration I have experienced.  Our nation has been brought to its knees through a pandemic and has now been kicked in the stomach as Ahmaud Arbery lost his life and again when George Floyd lost his.  Further salting the wound has been the peaceful protests which ended in tear gas, followed by riots and looting.  How the mighty America has fallen.

I have heard people talking a lot about “lament” lately.  Rightfully so even prior to the senseless killings of these two black men and to be honest, long before the COVID-19 pandemic and crisis.  We have been in a place where lamenting has been necessary for far too long.

My lament today is Why Jesus? Why God? Why are we continually spiraling down?  How long will we be allowed to do this?  I am broken. I am grieving in a way I didn’t know was possible.  Abba, it is somewhere between fury and life-stealing grief. I fear if I allow myself to cry, I will never stop.  I feel like I have been grieving the loss for years.  I feel like we have continued to just miss it God.  What are we missing?  How do we get people to see that YOU made us male and female; you made us all the same on the inside, but in your beautiful mosaic you created a thousand different shades of skin.  Our inner beings are no different- we all have hearts, and lungs, and brains and bones.  We are all made of the same stuff.  You just gave us all a different outward appearance.  I grieve that I come from a place where division based on that has been so prevalent for so long, and that at sometime in our history it was considered OK to buy and sell people. I grieve that anyone was ever OWNED by another or considered less intelligent because they have a different outward appearance.  I grieve that men thought for so long that since women gave birth to children, we were property, less intelligent, shouldn’t buy or sell things, should not be allowed to vote.  And to this day Abba, those of us who have the babies are still considered expendable at work and have borne a heavier burden than most men during this pandemic, as the bulk of the at home work has been and will likely always be ours.  And even more so, it hurts so deep within to really see this- minority women even moreso- why?!  Why do my black friends’ sons have to walk in fear wherever they go- that someone is going to expect them to be a problem?  Why is this okay!?  Abba I know it isn’t okay- Abba I know you have given us a mirror for the last nearly four years- why is no one looking at the reflection?

For me, my lament began the day Donald Trump won the electoral college in 2016.  Not because I am a Democrat. I am an independent after having been a lifelong Republican, born and raised in the South, deeply involved in my church, and shy of one semester before graduating with a certificate in ministry.  This is not a party sided lament.  My lament began because I did not see a leader in the man who was chosen to lead our country.  I saw division.  I saw self-gratification and arrogance.  I saw a man who was more determined to undo things others had done than try to create anything new himself.  I found one of my old journal entries from shortly after the election and found this:  Why O Lord, why, is someone determined to divide allowed this opportunity?  Why have you left us in the hands of someone who doesn’t show himself to have been changed by you?  Why, oh why Lord?  He will only divide and destroy.

I fully believe that he was allowed into the office of President to act as a mirror to our society.  I thought I had seen the worst of it.  Until now.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” Galatians 5:22

When I look at the man who sits in the office of President I see someone who has no character that reflects that of a changed heart.  I do not see love- I see hate. I do not see joy- I see anger and fear. I do not see peace- I see divisiveness.  I do not see patience- I see aggression and hastiness, or in the alternative, laziness.  I do not see kindness- I see neglect and vengefulness.  I do not see goodness- I see selfishness.  I do not see faithfulness- I see arrogance.  I do not see gentleness- I see intolerance.  And I do not see self-control- I see thousands of knee-jerk reactions in the form of Twitter tirades.

I know I may lose people I care about over this, but I have to ask because I love you and you are dear to me:  How can you support someone who actively divides our country?  How can you support someone who claims to be pro-life, yet finds 100,000 deaths an “acceptable” number amidst a pandemic?  How do you support someone who responds to people who out of their economic hardship, generations of being stepped on, kneeled on and diminished, make the poor decision to loot (which is clearly illegal) with, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.”  Can you support someone who so obviously cares so little about human life?  Because he’s a republican or claims to be one? Because he’s not the Democrat?  Why is that the right reason to support someone?  I don’t understand.  I honestly, and humbly, just don’t? Is there something I am missing?

If your spouse, employer, employee, friend, child said that would you support them?  If your answer is no, then why is it okay for the person who is supposed to be leading our country?  Who is supposed to be an example?  These are not the qualities of a leader.

Here is my prayer- Bolder than I am comfortable with to be honest:

Abba- awaken us.  Awaken those who follow after You to see the truth.  Awaken us even if it makes us uncomfortable.  Urge pastors and leaders rise up and call a sin what is a sin. Actively teach against it.  Show your people how to see it in ourselves and in our leaders, and give us the boldness to call out what is wrong.  Hold our leaders accountable for actions and words which divide and incite violence.  Call us out of our political parties which cloud our judgment and give us new eyes to see what is truly needed in a leader. You have clearly identified in your Word the qualities of a leader.  Let us see with clarity those people who truly are leaders after your heart and not just someone who claims to be.  Abba NOW is the time for the church to stop pretending and to stop dancing around what must be said.  Give our pastors boldness and wisdom to step out of slavery to any party and instead speak about the greatest commandment and what follows.  That our #1 job is to love you with all our hearts, mind and souls and #2 to love our neighbor as ourselves.  That the fruit of the Spirit in someone’s life is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.  That these are the things we need to hold our leaders up against.  We need you God.  We have had nearly four years of a mirror that has shown how depraved, hateful, callous and arrogant our country has become.  Please Lord, awaken our hearts.

What about 2020

What I Want Out of 2020

Honestly, I just want it to be better. Not that 2019 was bad, it wasn’t.  It was hard in a lot of spots.  We lost my sweet doggie of 16 years in September. That plain sucked.  I mean, it was a devastating loss to me. She had been my constant companion through law school, failures, racing, being in shape, being out of shape, pregnancy, birth, moving across the country, a broken marriage, healing, a new marriage, a new home, parenting, new jobs, new friends, joy, and sadness.  She had been there every single step of the way.  Learning to live without my little dog snoring behind me or following me everywhere was and is still really hard.

While that really sucked, 2019 wasn’t bad. And I honor that it was a year of good and bad. I just want 2020 to be better.

I feel like I’ve been moving from one drama to the next and I am ready for it to stop.  I know full well the climate drama, the political drama, and in general life will not cease being dramatic. I just want a little steadiness in life.

We are walking through my son going through a G&T and ADHD evaluation.  The evaluation itself is one thing, but walking through life with a highly spirited, highly energetic, highly passionate little dude who doesn’t quite have the frontal lobe to cope with it all is really tough.  There are moments like today where he got up 30 minutes early and after a quick restroom trip, did nothing but snuggle in my lap on the sofa.  Those moments are priceless.  I adore those moments and try to store them up for the moment we are AT school and he realizes he’s left his Pokemon cards at our house and therefore cannot play them at morning recess (it was about 12 outside, so it was inside morning recess).  Mini-meltdown ensued full with “air hitting” and tears. 

That child is my heart.  To see him struggle hurts so badly. It is defeating. Last night after getting him to bed fairly easily, but after having a pre-dinner double meltdown, I just laid on the sofa and cried with a pile of laundry awaiting my attention and materials that needed to be studied.  It not only hurt my heart, it just finally began to hurt my body.  He is so joyful. He is so bright.  He so amazing.  But with the brilliance and amazingness comes struggle as with any child, especially one who is highly spirited.  I read, I pray, I pour over ingredients in his food. I do everything I can- I choose words carefully so as to be wary of triggers.  I post notes around the house reminding him how wonderful he is and that he CAN.  Highly spirited kids, and especially those with ADHD on average get 30 negatives for every 1 positive.  30 to 1.  I heard that on a podcast while I was uphill skiing and it stopped me dead in my tracks. My body just about fell to the ground.  My little man gets that many more negatives than positives- no wonder his heart hurts.  I know some come from us, from his father, from others, and so sadly, from himself.  The suggested ratio for kids is 3:1. Three negatives to one positive.  So I post notes and dang near berate him with the positives I know about him. 

So I want 2020 to be better for him.  I want to find some resources and skills so he will be in a position to succeed and thrive.  I want him to hear fewer negatives and more positives.  I want to do better by my kid.  I feel so inadequate in parenting him. Some days I feel like I’ve got it together!  I manage to stay calm amidst the storm, which isn’t easy since I fall into that highly spirited passionate category myself!  Some days, I am in the middle of it with him.  We both get hungry before we feel hungry.  So I stash snacks in coats, cars, purses, backpacks.  He gets tired and denies it!  Of course, he’s 7, so he just has FOMO like any other kid. 

I want 2020 to be better for me.  For some reason, somehow I got talked into a challenge I really had no intention of ever broaching again. I had put it behind me and was content-ish about it.  But now, I’m in the middle of preparing for this massive intellectual/academic hurdle while working full time and walking my precious son through this time, not to mention trying to nurse a new marriage to a wonderful man.  Dang- what the heck was I thinking.  If I can just conquer it, I can put it behind me and out of my mind.

I want to walk with Jesus like I used to. I miss my church back home.  I miss the closeness with God I had and I want it back; if I can figure out how to make the 24 hours work.  I miss Him. I miss His peace. I miss KNOWING He has it.

I want me back. I want to take care of my body because I just get the one. I want to have my back and core be strong so I can not hurt, be able to play hard with my kid, just enjoy the activities I love.  I want to be fast again. I know it sounds silly, but I wasn’t ready to give up running under 7 minutes per mile for a half-marathon or the thought of maybe, one day, getting to run under 3:15 for a marathon. 

And we’re getting a puppy in March. That’ll be fun.  A lot of work but fun.

So 2020 has potential, but I’m just scared of it.  What if it sucks.  What if NOTHING goes well and there is more failure and more distress and heartache. What if my son struggles MORE.

I need you God.  This world is in shambles.  People hate each other if they disagree.  Wars are about to start over Twitter.  I just need help standing up sometimes. 

Intolerence

I wrote this on October 25, 2018.  I was holding on to it for a project I am working on but I think it should not wait.  It has not been edited since that date.

“… implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love…”

                                                                                        Ephesians 4:1b-2

           I grieve in my inmost being at what our culture has become.  Our culture has become one where hatred and intolerance are the norm, and acceptance and love are the exception.  We have become a culture where a difference in opinion is tantamount to being a mortal enemy.  It has become acceptable to body slam people for being different, reporting something disagreeable to you or to someone else.  We have become the antithesis of freedom of speech.  We have become self-censors for fear of what others’ would say or think, or do to us.  We have those who would actively censor that speech if it didn’t agree with their opinion or stance on issues.  We have become far too close to what the world once fought against.  And it grieves my heart.

“1.  a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, beliefs, practices, racial or ethnic origins, etc., differ from one’s own; freedom from bigotry.  2.  A fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions, beliefs, and practices that differ from one’s own. 3. Interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, foreign to one’s own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint. 4. The act or capacity of enduring; endurance.”

“1.  Unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect opinions or beliefs contrary to one’s own. 2. Unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect persons of a different social group, especially members of a minority group. 3. Incapacity or indisposition to bear or endure.”

Which of the above describes our current culture?  The second one- it’s the definition of Intolerance. 

What grieves me most is that some who have become the most intolerant are those who subscribe to the verse from Ephesians above.  Before stopping reading here, know this: I subscribe to the verse above and the book from which it came.  It has become my life verse, changed from one that was for over 20 years.  Why?

Because I have a friend who is transgender, and I am sure there are those who were once close to her that are now not “showing tolerance for one another in love.”

Because I have a friend who just married her wife and there are those who would not endure with her in love.

Because I am divorced and have had people speak and judge for which they do not know-Those who purport to believe that the Bible is the inherent Word of God and that it is guiding their lives.

Am I giving up on the Bible and God?  Absolutely, positively not.  But what I am doing is going back to what we- as Christians, as Christ followers are called to do: Love God.  Love People. 

“And He said to them (the Pharisees and the Sadducees) … the second (commandment) is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Matthew 22:37a, 39

The calling to love your neighbor as yourself is first found in Leviticus 19:18, this is nothing new. 

The command is clear:  LOVE.  Not hate. Not intolerance.  Not judgment, shaming or damning. Not casting out because you disagree with someone. Not sending pipe bombs to peoples’ homes because they hold a different political affiliation from you. Not warping the First Amendment to tell those who are exercising their freedom OF religion that your right is freedom FROM religion.

As a Christian, I am ashamed of the actions of many of my fellow Christians. I am saddened that the leadership of someone who claims to be a Christian, yet bears no fruit of that change, is the one who believes he is above an accountability call for his foul language, intolerance, divisiveness.

We are called to love and to keep the “unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace.” 

So I ask myself- Walking through what I have walked through, knowing those who have been ostracized for their opinions, their lifestyle, their love, and reading the Word of God for what the bottom line is:  what actions am I taking to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Last week, we received a notification in our very small town and even smaller neighborhood that a registered sex offender was moving in to an affluent area of our neighborhood.  He is listed as a “sexually violent predator” with a felony conviction and gang ties. My first inclination was to be disgusted, question the purchase of our home, be angry that someone with that history could be near our home, and be afraid.  Then I thought – this is not exhibiting love.  Instead when things settle down, my husband (without my son)  and I will introduce ourselves.  Maybe, just maybe this young man strayed down the wrong path because of hatred, intolerance, lack of love or acceptance in his life.  Whatever happened in his past which warranted this felony conviction was obviously wrong and possibly terrible.  But he’s still a person. 

What actions are you taking?  What needs to change about how you treat others, regardless of if you agree with them? We are called to love.  First.  Love.  Maybe we should stop there for now.  Learn to love our brothers and sisters again.  Learn to see the heart instead of the color, the gender, the life.

We’re not going to fix what is so wrong with our country with hatred and intolerance.  We’re only going to fix it when we can come to the table, maturely and in kindness and in tolerance of those we differ with.  And when we disagree, we can’t throw things at people, yell at them, become the kind of hatred and intolerance that killed so many in genocide.  As a quick reference, hatred and intolerance caused the following:

The Holocaust (1941-1945), German occupied Europe

The Holdomor (1932-1933), Ukranian Soviet Socialist Republic, Soviet Union

The Cambodian Genocide (1975-1979), Democratic Kampuchea

Kasakh Genocide (1931-1933), Kazakh Soviet Socialist Republic

Armenian Genocide (1915-1922), Ottoman Empire (present day Turkey, Syria & Iraq)

Rwandan Genocide (1994), Rwanda

Zunghar Genocide (1755-1758), Qing Dynasty

Circassian Genocide (1964-1967) Circassia

Genocide by the Ustase (including Serbian Genocide) (1941-1945) Independent State of Croatia

Bangladesh Genocide (1971), Bangladesh

Greek Genocide (1914-1922), Ottoman Empire

Assyrian Genocide (1915-1923), Ottoman Empire

Albigensian Crusade (1209-1229), Languedoc, France

Aardakh Genocide (1944-1948), Soviet Union

Porajmos Genocide (1935-1945), Nazi Controlled Europe

Polish Operation of the NKVD (1937-1938), Soviet Union

Mass-Killings of Jews during the White Terror (1918-1923), current day Ukraine & Russia

Darfur Genocide (2003- current), Darfur, Sudan

East Timor Genocide (1975-1999), East Timor

Burundian Genocides of Hutus (1972-1993), Burundi

Libyan Genocide (1923-1932), Italian Libya

Isaaq Genocide (1988-1991), Somalia

Kurdish Genocide (1986-1989), Iraq

Guatemalan Genocide (1962-1996), Guatemala

Herero & Namaqua Genocide (1904-1908) German South-West Africa

Latvian Operation of the NKVD (Latvian Genocide) (1937-1938), Soviet Union

California Genocide (1846-1873), California

2017 Rohingya persecution (2017-current) Myanmar

Bosnian Genocide (1992-1995) Bosnia & Herzegovina

Canadian residential school system (Canadian Genocide) (1876-1996), Canada

Selk-nam Genocide (late 19^th century-early 20^th century), Chile Tierra Del Fuego

Genocide of Yazidis, by ISIL (2014-current) Northern Iraq & Syria

Black War (mid 1820s-1832), Tasmania, Australia

Hate and intolerance is not new, it’s old.  It has never solved anything, only ripped apart families, cultures, country and a world.  It must be put into check.

#lovenothate

#loveisthejob

Waking Up in the Negative

When I wake up on the days that my sweet boy isn't with me, I wake up in the negative.  I know there will not be that smiling face with crazy morning hair peeking around the corner at me.  I know that the pajamacan will not have to visit our house that morning.  (For your own edification, there are 2 pajamacans:  Fred - the evening pajamacan, and Sam - the morning pajamacan.  These monsters come to gobble up little boys and girls who either refuse to put on their jammies - evening, or refuse to take them off and put on day clothes - morning.)  I know I won't have to convince someone that it is cold outside and thus he must wear socks and shoes and a coat.  There will not be any waffle, pancake, or cinnamon toast preparation; no little blue Star Wars cups on the counter; no 4 year old giggles.  These days I wake up in the negative.

Usually I'm able to recall the laundry list of things I have to be thankful for, and I perk up.  I watch a few videos of him laughing or skiing or chasing Lucy and I'm good.  I know I'm not too far from JE snuggles!

But lately with the current status of our country, pulling myself out of the negative has been increasingly difficult.  I am ashamed at the distasteful way people speak to each other on social media, on the phone, and even in person. I can't help but think my mom would have washed their mouths out with soap.  I think she would have washed many of our elected officials' mouths out with soap!  And corrected their grammar!!!  I am embarrassed at the joke our government has become.  I feel like there are overgrown preschoolers in suits running around in Washington.  Actually, I think my son's class is better behaved.

Is anyone else horrified?  This is just plain human decency that has flown out the window.  I was embarrassed when the Republican Congress refused to even entertain a hearing on Merrick Garland (who would have been a voice of reason and brilliance on the Supreme Court), and I fear there will be more Democrats stalling like children who want to go outside to play but refuse to put on their snow clothes.  Gorsuch isn't a bad guy.  In fact, he's strikingly similar to who he'd be replacing, Scalia, who was a strict constructionist.  While I do not agree with that viewpoint, it is nice to know that there are those who believe so passionately about the very fabric of which the Constitution was written on, that they will fight to keep it "as is."  The balance is key.  Are we looking for entertainment?  In our Government?!?!?!  We shouldn't be.  

Is anyone as concerned as I am about the wielding of power with a pen and a paper?  Some used a pen and a phone, which I disagreed with as well, but for now, no one will stay on the phone long enough to get anywhere.  Our branches of government were created to facilitate balance.  It was not intended to be adversarial.  Unfortunately though, Congress is fighting like children on the playground, our President is acting like a 2 year old who isn't getting his way, or is it a teenager who thinks the world revolves around them and they can say whatever they want without consequence, and we're letting them, and so many of the people are either sitting idly by hoping it will go away or calling each other names once would have made us shutter.

My parents taught me that I have to earn respect, not demand it.  My parents taught me to be classy and respectful of others.  My parents taught me to give full breadth and grace to others.  When I was teaching, a committee I was on was working on a civics project for the school.  We came up with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.:  Remember Each Student Practices Etiquette, Caring and Tolerance.  Maybe we should become students of our children.  My son doesn't see color or religion.  My son doesn't think his Hispanic, Asian, or Middle Eastern friends are any different than he is.  All he wants to do is be their friend.  If he sees another child in the store and doesn't get to introduce himself and become their "friend," he is saddened.  Our children have a never-ending pool of love and openness.  And while it is our job as parents to protect them from unforeseen dangers, I think it is also our job to learn from them what we have lost as we have aged.  There is joy in a pile of Legos.  They are different colors, sometimes come from different building sets, and don't always fit perfectly together.  But in the end, they make a magical toy that can take you anywhere.

When I wake up in the negative and I cannot get out, I think about my little boy and what his ever so innocent life can teach me.  It's not always immediate and it may take half the day, but putting the proverbial Legos together, a beautiful picture may be the result.