Fleshing it out

Fleshing it out

Today I came across a re-post in defense of themselves.  The man is an older white gentleman who claimed to have no privilege and not be advantaged.  We will not get into the blind spot that so many white men have.  He posted it because he was “fedup” with being called a racist.  I truly don’t know much about this individual so of course, cannot speak as to his heart or his life.  But it truly bothered me, which means there’s a rub and I need to flesh it out, to find out where I stand on every item he brought up.  

To paraphrase Jen Hatmaker, the edges have been frayed for a while.  Challenges to the way I once thought or felt about the world and my place in it began popping up.  God began a work in me, chipping off parts here and there that were “mainstream” church instead of what He truly meant when He said as the #2 thing: LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR.

So here is my truth, after a lot of soul searching, scripture searching, and knee time:

On PRIVILEGE:  I grew up in a 2 parent home. My mom was able to stay home while my sister and I were young.  She went back to work when I was 8.  I am white. While men have had it easier than me, I have had it easier than most. I have privilege.

On ADVANTAGE:  I am here because I earned it and by the grace of God, have a husband who is fiscally responsible.  Am I advantaged, hell yes I am.  For years I didn’t have any fiscal wherewithal.  Am I at an advantage now because I have someone who guides in it, you bet.

On the LBGTQ Community:  I am heterosexual which means I don’t know the first thing about what it is like to live a life where it is necessary to hide who you are or who you love inside.  I have not been as loving as I should have been to the LGBTQ community, but I am a work in progress and I’m here to get it right.  I will love everyone as Jesus taught.  I LOVE the depth of diversity you bring to our world.

On other FAITHS:  I know and working through my faith.  No matter what, I am here to get it right. I will listen and hold space.  I open my heart to our differences.

On GUNS:  The Second Amendment was written in 1791.  Our country and world are different.  We did not have the protection of a well-funded, vast military. The right to bear arms exists, but this amendment was not written when automatic and semi-automatic weapons existed.  The first automatic weapon with a separate magazine in the grip was the Borchardt pistol.  It came about in 1893.  102 years after “arms” were given as a right.  I personally find both of those types of weapons irresponsible to put in the hands of non-trained individuals.  But I’m not going to take away nor would I support the taking away of your right to own a gun, just not one who’s creation is explicitly for war-time and for killing of humans.

On CHANGE:  I’m over 40 and I recognize that I grew up in a really different time.  I grew up where we celebrated the first woman astronaut went into space in 1983, while men had been there since 1971.  I recognize that the world is vastly different for my son than it was to me.  I do not feel out of date, but I recognize that my views need to be challenged.  Change is okay.  Remember, we are here to get it right.

On RESPONSIBLE NEWS GATHERING:  I gather my news from AP, USA Today, and MSNBC.  I even look at FoxNews occasionally- remember, we are here to get it right which means we have to look at the whole picture. 

On HERITAGE:  Being proud of your heritage doesn’t make one a xenophobe.  How you treat people who are standing on our borders begging for help, or are here on a work visa indicates if you dislike or have prejudice towards people from other countries. 

On HARD WORK, FAIR PLAY and FAIR COMPENSATION:  Just because I believe that people deserve our help, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation.  I work my tail off. I still make $.82 compared to a man’s for the same work. A black woman makes $0.62.  Fair compensation only works when the playing field is level.  It never has been.  Helping someone up doesn’t mean I’m a socialist or Antifa (neo-Antifa, because to be an Anti-Fascist as it originally was, is a good thing).

On SUBSIDIES:  If you believe in bank subsidies than you sure should be able to believe in helping people in an economic crisis.  Besides if you pay what is charged by the grocery store then you believe in subsidies.  Everything we buy from a farm is subsidized by the government.

On the FIRST AMENDMENT:  As an American and as someone who supports the Constitution, I support someone’s choice to kneel during the National Anthem.  Not doing so is clear indication of supporting the First Amendment as long as it is in line with what you would say or believe.  Once again, we are here to get it right.  Just because they don’t agree with you doesn’t mean you can’t support their RIGHT to speak it, or kneel.  I believe everyone has a voice.  I will fight for your voice, regardless of if I understand it or agree with it.  That’s the whole point.

On the HISTORY:  Being offended by someone’s desire to remove Confederate monuments makes it about you.  It evidences the lack of respect for their voice, their feelings or their own personal history and familial history.  Imagine walking through a park every day, as a person of color, only to see a monument to the time in our history where it was perfectly legal to own a person of color. 

If we’re preserving monuments that have to do with our history as a country, then would a monument about Hitler be appropriate?

No one is trying to erase history. The goal is to tell their story; to have a voice; to not be reminded every time they walk through a park that they were once property.  Glorifying the hatred that came along with the Confederacy by refusing to step into another’s shoes or listen to their voices, WILL cause history to repeat itself.

On BLACK LIVES MATTER:  Hell yes, they do.  Right now, the focus is on changing the conversation. All lives have always mattered. But right now, the America I see doesn’t feel that way about black lives.  So yes, Black Lives Matter.

On COVID-19: I watch scientists and their data on COVID-19.  I wear the mask. I pay attention.  Unfortunately, we have failed leadership during this crisis.  It is NOT only about YOU.  It is about US.  Seatbelts aren’t comfortable but we wear them.  WEAR THE DAMN MASK.

On our LEADERSHIP:  I do not support the current President. I believe he is unfortunately, a mirror into part of our country.  It is an ugly image.  We are desperate for change.

It boils down to this.

IF LOVE, THEN…

Wear the mask

Black lives matter

Brown lives matter

Women count

LGBTQ lives matter

The Confederacy was a terrible time- don’t glorify any of it

Slavery was wrong

Segregation was wrong

We have to listen to other voices

We have to hold space for other opinions

We need to ask ourselves when forming opinions:  Can I honestly say that love is leading this?  If the answer is no, we need to flesh it out.

WE ARE HERE TO GET IT RIGHT. That takes time. It takes patience.  And it takes being uncomfortable as we grow.  It's okay to have to change.

Why I Lament

Why I Lament

This week I have been experiencing a grieving deep within my heart and body like I have never felt.  I have also felt a fury deep within that is different than any anger or frustration I have experienced.  Our nation has been brought to its knees through a pandemic and has now been kicked in the stomach as Ahmaud Arbery lost his life and again when George Floyd lost his.  Further salting the wound has been the peaceful protests which ended in tear gas, followed by riots and looting.  How the mighty America has fallen.

I have heard people talking a lot about “lament” lately.  Rightfully so even prior to the senseless killings of these two black men and to be honest, long before the COVID-19 pandemic and crisis.  We have been in a place where lamenting has been necessary for far too long.

My lament today is Why Jesus? Why God? Why are we continually spiraling down?  How long will we be allowed to do this?  I am broken. I am grieving in a way I didn’t know was possible.  Abba, it is somewhere between fury and life-stealing grief. I fear if I allow myself to cry, I will never stop.  I feel like I have been grieving the loss for years.  I feel like we have continued to just miss it God.  What are we missing?  How do we get people to see that YOU made us male and female; you made us all the same on the inside, but in your beautiful mosaic you created a thousand different shades of skin.  Our inner beings are no different- we all have hearts, and lungs, and brains and bones.  We are all made of the same stuff.  You just gave us all a different outward appearance.  I grieve that I come from a place where division based on that has been so prevalent for so long, and that at sometime in our history it was considered OK to buy and sell people. I grieve that anyone was ever OWNED by another or considered less intelligent because they have a different outward appearance.  I grieve that men thought for so long that since women gave birth to children, we were property, less intelligent, shouldn’t buy or sell things, should not be allowed to vote.  And to this day Abba, those of us who have the babies are still considered expendable at work and have borne a heavier burden than most men during this pandemic, as the bulk of the at home work has been and will likely always be ours.  And even more so, it hurts so deep within to really see this- minority women even moreso- why?!  Why do my black friends’ sons have to walk in fear wherever they go- that someone is going to expect them to be a problem?  Why is this okay!?  Abba I know it isn’t okay- Abba I know you have given us a mirror for the last nearly four years- why is no one looking at the reflection?

For me, my lament began the day Donald Trump won the electoral college in 2016.  Not because I am a Democrat. I am an independent after having been a lifelong Republican, born and raised in the South, deeply involved in my church, and shy of one semester before graduating with a certificate in ministry.  This is not a party sided lament.  My lament began because I did not see a leader in the man who was chosen to lead our country.  I saw division.  I saw self-gratification and arrogance.  I saw a man who was more determined to undo things others had done than try to create anything new himself.  I found one of my old journal entries from shortly after the election and found this:  Why O Lord, why, is someone determined to divide allowed this opportunity?  Why have you left us in the hands of someone who doesn’t show himself to have been changed by you?  Why, oh why Lord?  He will only divide and destroy.

I fully believe that he was allowed into the office of President to act as a mirror to our society.  I thought I had seen the worst of it.  Until now.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” Galatians 5:22

When I look at the man who sits in the office of President I see someone who has no character that reflects that of a changed heart.  I do not see love- I see hate. I do not see joy- I see anger and fear. I do not see peace- I see divisiveness.  I do not see patience- I see aggression and hastiness, or in the alternative, laziness.  I do not see kindness- I see neglect and vengefulness.  I do not see goodness- I see selfishness.  I do not see faithfulness- I see arrogance.  I do not see gentleness- I see intolerance.  And I do not see self-control- I see thousands of knee-jerk reactions in the form of Twitter tirades.

I know I may lose people I care about over this, but I have to ask because I love you and you are dear to me:  How can you support someone who actively divides our country?  How can you support someone who claims to be pro-life, yet finds 100,000 deaths an “acceptable” number amidst a pandemic?  How do you support someone who responds to people who out of their economic hardship, generations of being stepped on, kneeled on and diminished, make the poor decision to loot (which is clearly illegal) with, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.”  Can you support someone who so obviously cares so little about human life?  Because he’s a republican or claims to be one? Because he’s not the Democrat?  Why is that the right reason to support someone?  I don’t understand.  I honestly, and humbly, just don’t? Is there something I am missing?

If your spouse, employer, employee, friend, child said that would you support them?  If your answer is no, then why is it okay for the person who is supposed to be leading our country?  Who is supposed to be an example?  These are not the qualities of a leader.

Here is my prayer- Bolder than I am comfortable with to be honest:

Abba- awaken us.  Awaken those who follow after You to see the truth.  Awaken us even if it makes us uncomfortable.  Urge pastors and leaders rise up and call a sin what is a sin. Actively teach against it.  Show your people how to see it in ourselves and in our leaders, and give us the boldness to call out what is wrong.  Hold our leaders accountable for actions and words which divide and incite violence.  Call us out of our political parties which cloud our judgment and give us new eyes to see what is truly needed in a leader. You have clearly identified in your Word the qualities of a leader.  Let us see with clarity those people who truly are leaders after your heart and not just someone who claims to be.  Abba NOW is the time for the church to stop pretending and to stop dancing around what must be said.  Give our pastors boldness and wisdom to step out of slavery to any party and instead speak about the greatest commandment and what follows.  That our #1 job is to love you with all our hearts, mind and souls and #2 to love our neighbor as ourselves.  That the fruit of the Spirit in someone’s life is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.  That these are the things we need to hold our leaders up against.  We need you God.  We have had nearly four years of a mirror that has shown how depraved, hateful, callous and arrogant our country has become.  Please Lord, awaken our hearts.

What about 2020

What I Want Out of 2020

Honestly, I just want it to be better. Not that 2019 was bad, it wasn’t.  It was hard in a lot of spots.  We lost my sweet doggie of 16 years in September. That plain sucked.  I mean, it was a devastating loss to me. She had been my constant companion through law school, failures, racing, being in shape, being out of shape, pregnancy, birth, moving across the country, a broken marriage, healing, a new marriage, a new home, parenting, new jobs, new friends, joy, and sadness.  She had been there every single step of the way.  Learning to live without my little dog snoring behind me or following me everywhere was and is still really hard.

While that really sucked, 2019 wasn’t bad. And I honor that it was a year of good and bad. I just want 2020 to be better.

I feel like I’ve been moving from one drama to the next and I am ready for it to stop.  I know full well the climate drama, the political drama, and in general life will not cease being dramatic. I just want a little steadiness in life.

We are walking through my son going through a G&T and ADHD evaluation.  The evaluation itself is one thing, but walking through life with a highly spirited, highly energetic, highly passionate little dude who doesn’t quite have the frontal lobe to cope with it all is really tough.  There are moments like today where he got up 30 minutes early and after a quick restroom trip, did nothing but snuggle in my lap on the sofa.  Those moments are priceless.  I adore those moments and try to store them up for the moment we are AT school and he realizes he’s left his Pokemon cards at our house and therefore cannot play them at morning recess (it was about 12 outside, so it was inside morning recess).  Mini-meltdown ensued full with “air hitting” and tears. 

That child is my heart.  To see him struggle hurts so badly. It is defeating. Last night after getting him to bed fairly easily, but after having a pre-dinner double meltdown, I just laid on the sofa and cried with a pile of laundry awaiting my attention and materials that needed to be studied.  It not only hurt my heart, it just finally began to hurt my body.  He is so joyful. He is so bright.  He so amazing.  But with the brilliance and amazingness comes struggle as with any child, especially one who is highly spirited.  I read, I pray, I pour over ingredients in his food. I do everything I can- I choose words carefully so as to be wary of triggers.  I post notes around the house reminding him how wonderful he is and that he CAN.  Highly spirited kids, and especially those with ADHD on average get 30 negatives for every 1 positive.  30 to 1.  I heard that on a podcast while I was uphill skiing and it stopped me dead in my tracks. My body just about fell to the ground.  My little man gets that many more negatives than positives- no wonder his heart hurts.  I know some come from us, from his father, from others, and so sadly, from himself.  The suggested ratio for kids is 3:1. Three negatives to one positive.  So I post notes and dang near berate him with the positives I know about him. 

So I want 2020 to be better for him.  I want to find some resources and skills so he will be in a position to succeed and thrive.  I want him to hear fewer negatives and more positives.  I want to do better by my kid.  I feel so inadequate in parenting him. Some days I feel like I’ve got it together!  I manage to stay calm amidst the storm, which isn’t easy since I fall into that highly spirited passionate category myself!  Some days, I am in the middle of it with him.  We both get hungry before we feel hungry.  So I stash snacks in coats, cars, purses, backpacks.  He gets tired and denies it!  Of course, he’s 7, so he just has FOMO like any other kid. 

I want 2020 to be better for me.  For some reason, somehow I got talked into a challenge I really had no intention of ever broaching again. I had put it behind me and was content-ish about it.  But now, I’m in the middle of preparing for this massive intellectual/academic hurdle while working full time and walking my precious son through this time, not to mention trying to nurse a new marriage to a wonderful man.  Dang- what the heck was I thinking.  If I can just conquer it, I can put it behind me and out of my mind.

I want to walk with Jesus like I used to. I miss my church back home.  I miss the closeness with God I had and I want it back; if I can figure out how to make the 24 hours work.  I miss Him. I miss His peace. I miss KNOWING He has it.

I want me back. I want to take care of my body because I just get the one. I want to have my back and core be strong so I can not hurt, be able to play hard with my kid, just enjoy the activities I love.  I want to be fast again. I know it sounds silly, but I wasn’t ready to give up running under 7 minutes per mile for a half-marathon or the thought of maybe, one day, getting to run under 3:15 for a marathon. 

And we’re getting a puppy in March. That’ll be fun.  A lot of work but fun.

So 2020 has potential, but I’m just scared of it.  What if it sucks.  What if NOTHING goes well and there is more failure and more distress and heartache. What if my son struggles MORE.

I need you God.  This world is in shambles.  People hate each other if they disagree.  Wars are about to start over Twitter.  I just need help standing up sometimes.