Longest. Night. Ever.

During this, let’s face it, insane time in not only our nation’s history but in the history of our world and of mankind, I have felt out of control.  I can’t control COVID-19.  I can’t control what the school district decides to offer for Fall 2020 for my son.  I can’t control the void of leadership our country is facing amidst a pandemic.  I can’t control the economy.  But we’re not supposed to, and that’s hard.

Yes, we can influence it- meaning I can wear a mask, take necessary precautions about who my family is around, where we travel, how we show up when we go to a store or generally out in public.  I can influence the school district by using my voice and logic, paired with science.  Well, let’s hope people are listening to science.  I can influence the leadership of our government by voting.  I can shop wisely.  So while I cannot control it, I have control over my involvement in it.

Even still, after reasoning that out, I still have felt ungrounded.  The world is quite literally spinning out of control.  I held on to anything I could with ferocity.  Unfortunately, this wore me out.  For the last several weeks I’ve been listening, reading, searching, questioning in an attempt to find grounding.  I found it where I left it; in my faith.

To be honest, I’ve been somewhat hesitant to dive into my faith lately.  In full transparency, the Christian “right” has become rather distasteful.  Pro-life, but only regarding abortion, never mind capital punishment, children dying on our borders, thousands of people dying because of a pandemic our leadership still blames on China instead of doing something about it.  Loving unconditionally, but only if the lifestyle or who someone loves suits your definition.  Supportive of women, as long as they’re still subordinate to men.  Supportive of a leader who evidences none of the Fruit of the Spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control.  I can completely say, yuck.  That’s not something I want to be a part of.

I’ve been gobbling up Jen Hatmaker, Brene Brown, Sue Monk Kidd, and Beth Moore podcasts.  I am grateful for these bold women who have made it abundantly clear- no matter what the church has become, it’s not about the church, it is about Jesus and He is LOVE. So back I ran.  But where do I start?  I’ve been to ministry school. I’ve torn through hundreds of Bible studies over the years, mostly by Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, and Kay Arthur.  A yearly Bible reading plan is overwhelming at this time in life.  It just seems like forever.  I decided to start at the beginning: Genesis 1, Psalms 1, Proverbs 1 and Matthew 1.  I’ll march through that way for now.  I asked God for something new this time.  New eyes for today, for where I am now, in this turmoil.  And in perfect God, delivery.

Genesis 1, the story of creation.  As I began reading rather rapidly, thinking I’d skim it, but I got caught on verse 2 instantly.  “And the earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep…”  Chaos.  Emptiness.  Void.  I can think of no better descriptors of where we are right now.  We are a hot mess y’all.  Our nation is a mess.  Divided to the point of disagreement meaning hatred and that one person is less than another because you share differing opinions.  It is ugly.  And I saw it:  He takes CHAOS and makes something BEAUTIFUL.

Grounded-instantly.

In verse 5, “And God called the light day and the darkness He called night.”  I saw the second point:   There is day and night to every struggle.  He is still working in the night, when I can’t see it.  Like my brain is being renewed while I sleep, He is still working.  The day is when we can see what He’s been doing, and there’s a light.

I can only think that we have been really damaging ourselves and our fellow human beings.  Before we can really be renewed, we’ve got to be refined.  Malachi 3:3 (NLT) “He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross.”  I truly believe we’re at a place where we are being tested.  His refining fire will reveal those who genuinely LOVE God and LOVE His people (meaning those He created, so if it is a person, that person is His).  I believe we’re being tested because the churchy-church has veered so far off course, being more concerned about who fits the mold that it isn’t remembered and respected that we are ALL made in image of God, male and female; black, white, yellow, brown.  He loves us ALL, REGARDLESS of sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, ethnicity, political affiliation.

Longest. Night. Ever.  Doesn’t it feel that way?  But grounding- He’s working.  Even when we can’t see it.  Even when all we can see is division, hatred, sickness, evil, jealousy, destruction.  Even when it makes me grieve on the inside to see where we are as a nation, to see hatred because of color, gender identity, sexual orientation, gender or political affiliation.  Even when I feel like we are spiraling out of control, He is STILL working.

And while this night is excruciatingly long, I will hang on to the knowledge that He is still working.  Renewal is taking place, and that one day, light and it will be beautiful.  But it's going to take a long time.  Hold on.  Grounded. He makes beauty out of dark, ugly chaos.